I never make resolutions, unless my parents insist, and then I don't take the resolutions very seriously. I don't understand the point. In my experience, if you want to change your life, you have to start today, this very instant, exactly when you decide you want those changes. Otherwise, it never happens. If you say you'll make those changes this year or next year, you'll procrastinate because you think you have all year. If you say you'll make those changes tomorrow -- whether tomorrow is a new year or not -- it will always be "tomorrow" that you plan to make them. Today is the only day that ever arrives.
Not me. New Year's Day always feels like Old Year's Day, just another in a long line of dull pearls. In reality, that's all it is. However, maybe it's the mentality that counts. If you THINK the new year will be different, maybe it will. That would be nice.
2010 hasn't been the best year for me. I miserably failed one of my last high school classes (which is why I currently doubt that I can take any class successfully), spent the other classes half asleep (even though they were subjects I normally love), lost my best friend (she was a cat, but still -- my best friend), apparently lost my love for the County Fair (usually the highlight of my summer), and only lasted two weeks at my first job (at McDonalds no less, and if I can't do that, what can I do?).
Overall, I've come to realize I have no skills with which to survive in the world. Writing is the only thing I love and know how to do. I'd get a job in writing if not for the fact that I'm really not very good, and the fact that it's nearly impossible to get fiction published. It's probably also hard to get a job in journalism, and you probably can't write about what you want, and I gather that the journalism world is almost as cutthroat as showbiz. (I haven't done much research on this, though. Perhaps I should do more.) Besides, I don't want to just write about great changes and fantastic experiences. I want to MAKE them and EXPERIENCE them in the real and physical world. I could do that with engineering. If I can even engineer. See, I've put myself on a path towards such a career, having been accepted to schools of technology and engineering. I, however, know little about being an engineer. I hate math, I'm not crazy about science, I don't work well on a team, I'll probably be terrible at engineering, but I don't know what else to do. I admire engineers, and it would be amazing if I could do what they do, and they don't have to worry about money.
For months now, I've been living off my parents without doing any school, and I understand it's important to them that I'm in school as long as I live under their roof and don't work a job. And it's scary to me because my parents think -- rightly enough -- that everyone should stand on their own two feet, and I don't know how much longer they'll put up with me or what they'll do when they've had enough. I don't want to put off picking a career any longer than I already have. I also don't know how they'll react if I take a year in engineering, waste their money, decide I just can't do it, and apply to some other school and some other career if I have to courage to do anything at all. I don't know how deep their patience runs.
(I hate to sound this whiny. I really do. But I'm just telling it like it is. I'm a wimp. And a whiner. And I don't have time to tone down the whining because I have to get this published before midnight.)
It's been like this all year. I wish I'd been one of those kids who knew right from the start what they wanted to be when they grew up. I had absolutely no idea -- and I mean that very literally -- until a few months ago when I picked engineering. I don't even really want that. Sometimes, even now, I wonder what I'm going to do with my life, and engineering never pops into my head. Other times, I think about it for quite a while before I remember, "Wait, I did pick something, didn't I? Oh, yeah. Engineering."
Basically, lately, I have no idea what on earth I'm doing.
It's all very uncertain.
I hope it changes next year. At least the uncertainty. It seems, for me, most years have been no better or worse than the others. Just different. Different troubles, and different triumphs. 2010 brought good experiences as well as bad. For example, I started this blog. And I feel a lot more secure for having divulged many secrets without the roof caving on my head under the weight of a million motorcycles, as I'd always imagined it would. I got a new cat. Several actually. I saw movies and read books...
Unfortunately, I always focus on the bad stuff.
Whatever happens, even if the New Year doesn't bring an end to the uncertainty, blessings will come. I probably won't recognize them, but they will come.
Happy New Year!