Today I thought I'd talk about me. Me, in the context of being tired and bored. I've been so lazy for so long. I really don't FEEL like doing anything but sleeping. I'm feeling especially depressed right now because of an issue surrounding kittens.
Our cat had a litter of kittens, and I want to keep them all. I know people who could take them, but I don't trust them to take good care of the kittens. I realize the only way to make sure they're okay is to keep them with me. But my family makes a big deal out of every little inconvenience the kittens impose on us (urine, feces, litter, food, allergens, hair, blah, blah, blaahh). My mom switches between wanting to keep them and not. My dad yelled at me for suggesting we keep them all. While my family seems willing to give them up to any fate, I know I'm responsible for taking care of them if I can. I've grown so attached to them it would seem too weird and heartbreaking to split them up, knowing they're no longer a complete set. And, well...Grahh! It's just heart-sickening.
BESIDES that, however, I suppose a lot of causes contribute to my depressed tiredness. I'd like to explore those today. How do I feel about it and all that?
For one thing, I feel overwhelmed by all the activities I WANT to do. I hate it! I want to draw, write, write, write, (yes, I wrote "write" three times on purpose), animate, change the world, study, do well in school and such, clean house to keep my mom happy and healthy, read fiction, read non-fiction, prepare for college, prepare for the rest of my life, blah, blah, blah. Just thinking about it, I lose the will to do it. I just sit around doing nothing.
This is obviously a post about me being depressed. I never talk about this, and I'm not sure how to do it with grace, so please forgive me if I sound dramatic.
I used to think cynicism was a widespread phenomena, but these days, I seem to face hordes of starry-eyed dreamers who try for anything and seem to think they can achieve it. I, however, appear different from other people, other kids my age, because I don’t believe I can do great deeds, get published, get a job, get into college, or do anything competently. Someone like that is one in a million, leaving me with very slim chances. I don’t believe I deserve anything. I expect to be treated like I don’t exist. I expect rejection and failure. I feel I have no skills and my various works suck.
Actually, I felt this way at a very young age. Before which, I experienced an age where I put myself out there, was outgoing, and tried experiences without fear. I usually failed, embarrassed myself, and felt stupid, and I hate few things more than feeling stupid. I learned not to expect anything great of myself, because I was only deluding myself. I learned, in fact, to automatically assume I did everything badly and looked dumb all the time. I thought this would save me from deluding myself and feeling stupid when I had to face the truth. It did cause me look stupid anyway while passing up many experiences for fear of looking stupid. I think I started getting over this way of life, but a couple years ago, it may have rekindled when I took a composition course. I loved it, worked my tail off, and only got okay grades. The teacher never praised me much, and I felt no matter how hard I tried at anything, I’d be Mediocre at Most. It’s not the teacher's fault. Where I am in life is entirely up to me, but that's another post.
Last year in school, I was terrified of doing homework for one particular class. I just knew I couldn’t do it or could only do it badly. Even attempting it made me literally sick to my stomach. I didn't want to fail, disappoint my parents or the teacher (who was very nice and didn't deserve a procrastinator like me), or make myself look and feel stupid. I wanted to do well, but I was so scared I put it off and did shoddy work and put it off and did shoddy work, and I did end up failing that class. I had never failed a class before.
That’s sort of how it is now too. I know I can’t do anything right, so I don’t try. I look at all the ways I'm below average, unable to do stuff even most petty criminals can do (driving a car, socializing, blah, blah, blah). I don’t really know of anything I CAN do well. I might as well not try at anything.
I came across this definition of boredom from Therapy Ideas recently:
Boredom often occurs because you have stopped yourself from saying something or from doing something. Flattening out your own disagreeable energy out of a fear of displeasing others often will lead to becoming bland. Nice can be oh-so-not interesting and yet it is the choice we make more often than not. Stop interrupting yourself, authenticity can be refreshing.
Boredom is not all bad. Its greater purpose is to inspire people to be more creative about their lives. Our lives often lack imagination and creativity.
(I don't remember how I stumbled across that article, I wasn't Googling "therapy ideas," although I do have an interest in psychology. But I'd like to do a whole post on that article later, because it had insightful...insights, as well as...questionable insights.)
That was an enlightening definition. I AM bored because I don't do what I want to do, not because I don't have anything to do. But I don't know how to kick start myself doing what I want when I lack energy, drive, and courage.
I don't like most of Katy Perry's songs. Some are ok, but I don't really like them. I like this one though. It's upbeat and uplifting, and I'm a sucker for violins in pop music. I'd like to think I'm a firework, a dormant firework, in the sense that I can do great and noble deeds (not in the sense that I'm a bubbly person, like Katy Describes it). "'Cause there's a spark in you. You just gotta ignite the light." Wish I knew how.
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