When I started this blog, I feared it. Well, not the BLOG, but the consequences of blogging. I was uncomfortable being personal and sensitive on the internet, to strangers, internet weirdos (no offense to anyone who reads my blog). I didn't blog much before, but when I did, I came away worse for wear. People are MEAN on the internet. (And STUPID too. And I mean, STUPID. Did I mention STUPID?) People take advantage of your heartfelt opinions. With those, they know your weak spots. They can be all the crueler if they know what hurts you, annoys you, infuriates you, saddens you, and so on. When I started blogging, I felt it was a definite and likely possibility that someone would try to hurt me. I'd cover topics I cared about, my personal growth, and even just movie and book reviews, which were mainly all I wanted to write before I started this blog. Even reviews revolve around my, sometimes very strong, feelings. People could take those posts, figure out what makes me tick, and tick me off. In a way, I was scared of CARING too much, or at least showing it online. I sometimes get over subjects I cared a lot about before, and then I feel embarrassed for caring so much and letting people hurt me because of it. When I talk about it online, it means other people will know how much I cared and how stupid I looked, how my frustration spilled out online. They could copy and save what I wrote, and even if I deleted this blog, I'd never shake the feeling that my words were still there, haunting me. Unsavory memories linger.
Furthermore, I have pretty conservative beliefs compared to many, and pretty un-conservative beliefs compared to many, and just strange beliefs compared to everyone. Based on my beliefs, I don't fit into any one group. None that I know, anyway. I knew I might attacked by all sides because I'm not on any of them, and I was afraid of that.
I was afraid of being stalked. I was afraid to slip up and give a clue, or several, about where I live, and the scary people, the pervs and murderers, who hate me on the internet might find me in real life. As bad as it would be to be persecuted online, it would be worse to be attacked physically, in real life.
I was afraid my blog would flop, but I was more afraid that people would follow it. See, as long as no one followed, I had the option of deleting this blog any time with no one knowing the difference. No one would be disappointed. If they followed, however, I'd have to keep blogging forever, providing people with more chances to persecute or stalk me. If followers UNfollowed, I'd feel stupid and rejected. That's why I put off following other blogs for so long, even though I knew it might help me gain followers. Well, that's one reason. The other was that I didn't want to have to UNfollow them, as I said a few posts ago. I'm still hesitant to follow blogs. As of now, I'm only following one other blog.
As you can see, I started this blog anyway and maintained it well until a few weeks ago. I WANTED to share my opinions and frustrations and joys, even IF I'd get metaphorically kicked around for it. I guess you could say I'm pretty brave. Yes, friends, I am the picture of shining knighthood. Well, no. Actually I look nothing like a knight, and thank goodness. Those people were awful, what with how they hit people with pointy objects, killed reptiles with extreme prejudice and pointy objects, pillaged the villages, terrorized the serfs, committed adultery with the king's wife and all that. Sheesh. The point is I took a risk, and now, I'm much less afraid of this blog. I don't know why exactly. Maybe I saw nothing bad happened. Maybe I hardened my shell and became less afraid of persecution. Who knows, really? If I don't, only God does.
Did that sound arrogant?
Well, if it did, I can't help it. I'm feeling pretty sick about an upcoming test, so I'm gonna go now, take my mind off stuff.
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