I have something to say. It may be the same as what I said last Christmas, but I'm too lazy to check. First, Jesus came as a baby. The baby of a poor family who had to work for a living. Second, Away in a Manger and I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day -- good Christmas carols. Third, Merry Christmas. Now, I shall elaborate and/or repeat myself.
First, I made this point last year, but I don't think I made it well. In fact, I downright forgot what I was going to say during last year's Christmas post. Jesus came as one of the little people. By this, I don't mean elves, but I do mean babies and the so-called lowly people of society.
Society seems to view some people as less valuable than others. Think about fast food workers, invalids, or infants. Now think about scientists, surgeons, or statesmen. If you don't personally hold such a view, you can probably sense how the world holds the people in the latter list in higher esteem. They're considered more useful, they become more famous, they get far more pampered, and their deaths are more widely mourned. People dream of becoming like scientists, surgeons, or statesmen. People fear becoming like fast food workers, invalids, or infants.
Even I admit to thinking in this mindset sometimes. I tell myself that once I'm an engineer -- successful, rich, maybe even famous -- it'll show those people I hate, those enemies who'll never be anything but bad stay-at-home parents and unoriginal, unimaginative teachers and office workers. It'll show everyone I'm better than them. I secretly know it wouldn't really mean that, but I hope at least THEY think it would, and I hope it'll hurt them to see me held in society's high regard. I know this is really mean, and REALLY condescending to stay-at-home parents, teachers, and office workers, but. . . Well, I don't have an excuse. It's a bad behavior I fall into when I want to make myself feel better. I let myself think like society does, like some people are better than others because of their social standing.
People had such a mindset back in Jesus' time too. And God knew it. But He came as a baby anyway. Like everyone else, He was small, weak, helpless, and "useless" at one point. But that didn't mean He wasn't important. He was the most important figure of all time. He was poor and had to work a regular job that any other regular person could have taken over, a job for which he'd never be rich or famous, like frying burgers. But that didn't mean He wasn't important. It didn't mean He didn't matter.
You must be able to see that this can't have been a random choice God made, to come into the world as a baby, a poor person, and a blue-collar worker. I think He made this choice in order to illustrate His new Law, how we should help even those who can't help us back, serve ALL people, be merciful and kind, and respect the meek. Because they're important; they'll inherit the Earth. If the King of the Universe could be a Nobody on Earth, it proves that no one can be worthless because they are weak, useless, poor, or lowly.
This message, the one of Jesus coming as a baby, gets so much airtime because it's really beautiful. It means that no matter who you are, no matter how weak, useless, or lowly you are, you are important. You matter. Isn't that wonderful?
Secondly, my favorite Christmas carol is Away in a Manger, mostly for this line: "I love Thee, Lord Jesus." That line is just sweet, simple, and true. People are always talking about how great, glorious, powerful, and amazing God is, and it's all true. But how often is it just "I love You, Jesus"? Isn't that refreshing? Just spitting it out? And every single time I hear that line, I come to the wonderful realization that it's true. I love You, Jesus. It's such an intimate thing to say, and that's how it should be. I often feel distant from God, and it doesn't help when people talk about Him as a third person and His greatness as an abstract concept. It helps to say "I" and "love" and "You" in the same sentence.
Away in a Manger is written in the voice of a young child. A young child doesn't think about all the wonders of the universe that prove how great God is (although those are good things to think about). A young child loves someone for the right traits -- kindness and love. That's who Jesus is. I know it in my soul, but I'm often scared to believe it, feeling obligated to see God as some awesome unapproachable being. This song reassures me that God is comfort and warmth, which all children naturally want to have because it's good.
Therefore, the song makes perfect sense when the child entreats God with the following lines: "Look down from the sky and stay by my cradle till morning is nigh. Be near me, Lord Jesus. I ask Thee to stay close by me forever. . ." When I think of Jesus as a tender, loving God, that's exactly what I want to say. Grace me with Your presence. Stay with me. Protect me. Comfort me. Forever.
The song goes on: ". . . and love me, I pray." I feel like churches always ask Jesus for forgiveness, but not for love. It's almost like they want us individuals to think we're unworthy to ask for love. Well, I think we ARE unworthy. A lot of people feel that way, like they can't ask for love from anyone, let alone a perfect, all-powerful entity. But I think God wants us to feel worthy, and asking Him to love us is, not only acceptable, but good. This song reminds me of that. I am allowed ask a beautiful, perfect Person to love me and I am allowed to find my worth in that love.
This song gives an impression of love as a simple, perfect miracle, eternal and complete. The child loves Jesus because Jesus loves the child and Jesus is good. Goodness incarnate just fits like a puzzle piece in the child's soul, and that is love, and that love just IS. It doesn't need anything more added to it. It is. This is, in a way, one of the most romantic songs in existence.
I Heard the Bells is a hopeful song that doesn't ignore despair. It was just a couple years ago that I really listened to the words for the first time, and they are so true to me. "And in despair I bowed me head. 'There is no peace on Earth,' I said." I may never have said that, but I felt that every single day. Not "there's very little peace," or "there's no peace in countries at war." There. Is. No. Peace. Anywhere. Anytime. All people suffer physically, emotionally, or both. No one ever has true peace. "For hate is strong and mocks the song of peace on Earth, goodwill to men." When I first heard the words, it shocked and relieved me that someone else felt as much despair over it as I did.
Then, the song even continued with, "God is not dead, nor does He sleep." That's right. He came back from the grave. And you say He's conscious and attentive to what's happening here on Earth? "The wrong shall fail, the right prevail, with peace on Earth, goodwill to men." Sometimes, just hearing it out loud can reassure and comfort you. A little bit.
Finally, I wish you a happy holiday for celebrating the birth of kindness, love, truth, and all goodness, in the flesh. Merry Christmas!
(By the way, I saw my grades today, and it was the best Christmas Eve gift I got. I got three A's, two A minuses, and a B+ in chemistry. I'm going to keep my scholarship, and I'm happily surprised at myself, which is the upside to having low expectations. My family, by comparison, seemed to assume I'd get all A's, and they were congratulatory but not nearly as excited as I was. Still, I think I did wonderfully. Thank you, God.)
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Friday, December 23, 2011
So Much Has Happened in My First Semester, Part 1
It feels like so very much has happened, but I suppose nothing life-changing has. I finished my first semester of full-time college, I'm very proud of me, and now I'm on Christmas vacation for three weeks. I have time to post! I apologize for my absence, but I guess I'll start by describing how freaking hard college is.
For the past couple months, I've slept an average of 2 hours every weekday night, and maybe 6 hours on weekend nights. I had most of my finals the week before last week (which was ACTUAL Finals Week), and I didn't sleep at all on probably three of those nights. My dad and brother acted like this was my fault. Well, I could have slept more. A lot more. But then I wouldn't have gotten any of my work done and I'd have failed my classes. I just had too much to do.
When not in class, I worked virtually round the clock. I studied and did homework, taking a couple hours maybe every other week to do something strictly fun. Engineering is a hard major. It's easier for fast people, but I'm a slow person. That's part of why I haven't slept much lately, but hey, I've done really well for myself. I'm still waiting on some of my final grades, but so far, they look good. And you know what? I've loved it.
I loved working and learning and doing. I think I was meant to work hard, because I feel healthiest when I do. It reached a bit of an extreme this year, with the no sleeping thing, but I love having something to do. It just feels good. And I hope that one day, very soon, I can find a balance between physical health and hard work.
I needed the motivation college gives me, with the threat of poor grades, with people who expected to see me in class every day, and with a schedule that can't be pushed back or ignored. I still need it. I'm lazy on my own. Maybe one day, I'll find a way to motivate myself, but right now, I need college to do that. That's the main reason I ever went. I could learn on my own, but I need to be motivated.
I've loved learning, too. Did I say? I loved being challenged and discovering new things about the world, which is probably why chemistry was my favorite class. Most of the students hated it, and I do too. A little. It's hard. I did rather badly in it the first half of the semester, but I liked it even then. It was the most advanced class I took, with the most new information, and it helped me develop my recent interest in nanotechnology, which I'll get into in a later post.
Anyway, I loved being active academically, loved the actual working of problems. Even during finals week, I was so nervous while taking my tests, but as I got further into each one, I found myself having fun. I'd studied, so I kind of knew what I was doing, but it was still a challenge, not too easy and not impossible. I loved the feeling of competence, the exhiliration of surmounting difficulties.
One aspect of college I didn't enjoy was the teachers. Either they were nice but couldn't teach, or they weren't approachable, or they were downright insane. My writing teacher was probably the latter. I felt sorry for her, but she gave everyone bad grades until she (reportedly) got complained about enough and got in trouble for bringing down all her students' GPAs. She seemed so nice most of the time, but now and then, she'd say something that normal people just don't say. On my early papers, she'd give feedback that made little, if any sense, so I didn't know how to write to please her, which made it extremely nerve-wracking to write at all. I've always procrastinated writing, because I've always felt pressured to write really well, but I've always liked it too. She made me almost hate it. I'm definitely glad I'm done with that class.
Overall, though, I enjoyed the academic parts of life these past few months, even if I hated how little sleep I got.
To be continued in Part 2 . . .
For the past couple months, I've slept an average of 2 hours every weekday night, and maybe 6 hours on weekend nights. I had most of my finals the week before last week (which was ACTUAL Finals Week), and I didn't sleep at all on probably three of those nights. My dad and brother acted like this was my fault. Well, I could have slept more. A lot more. But then I wouldn't have gotten any of my work done and I'd have failed my classes. I just had too much to do.
This semester, I took 16 credits, but I spent more time in class than that would indicate, because in addition to my five regular classes, I had one weekly class that counted for just one credit and three that counted for zero. Most of those classes were "lab components" that took 2+ hours.
When not in class, I worked virtually round the clock. I studied and did homework, taking a couple hours maybe every other week to do something strictly fun. Engineering is a hard major. It's easier for fast people, but I'm a slow person. That's part of why I haven't slept much lately, but hey, I've done really well for myself. I'm still waiting on some of my final grades, but so far, they look good. And you know what? I've loved it.
I loved working and learning and doing. I think I was meant to work hard, because I feel healthiest when I do. It reached a bit of an extreme this year, with the no sleeping thing, but I love having something to do. It just feels good. And I hope that one day, very soon, I can find a balance between physical health and hard work.
I needed the motivation college gives me, with the threat of poor grades, with people who expected to see me in class every day, and with a schedule that can't be pushed back or ignored. I still need it. I'm lazy on my own. Maybe one day, I'll find a way to motivate myself, but right now, I need college to do that. That's the main reason I ever went. I could learn on my own, but I need to be motivated.
I've loved learning, too. Did I say? I loved being challenged and discovering new things about the world, which is probably why chemistry was my favorite class. Most of the students hated it, and I do too. A little. It's hard. I did rather badly in it the first half of the semester, but I liked it even then. It was the most advanced class I took, with the most new information, and it helped me develop my recent interest in nanotechnology, which I'll get into in a later post.
Anyway, I loved being active academically, loved the actual working of problems. Even during finals week, I was so nervous while taking my tests, but as I got further into each one, I found myself having fun. I'd studied, so I kind of knew what I was doing, but it was still a challenge, not too easy and not impossible. I loved the feeling of competence, the exhiliration of surmounting difficulties.
One aspect of college I didn't enjoy was the teachers. Either they were nice but couldn't teach, or they weren't approachable, or they were downright insane. My writing teacher was probably the latter. I felt sorry for her, but she gave everyone bad grades until she (reportedly) got complained about enough and got in trouble for bringing down all her students' GPAs. She seemed so nice most of the time, but now and then, she'd say something that normal people just don't say. On my early papers, she'd give feedback that made little, if any sense, so I didn't know how to write to please her, which made it extremely nerve-wracking to write at all. I've always procrastinated writing, because I've always felt pressured to write really well, but I've always liked it too. She made me almost hate it. I'm definitely glad I'm done with that class.
Overall, though, I enjoyed the academic parts of life these past few months, even if I hated how little sleep I got.
To be continued in Part 2 . . .
Friday, October 14, 2011
Skulduggery Pleasant Released as ebook for the US!
First of all, I have to mention that Derek Landy is finally re-releasing the Skulduggery Pleasant books in the US! Not that it was his fault that it took so long or anything. He's said that the boring covers on the American versions of the books probably didn't help sales, and I think he's right. I don't believe in judging people by their covers, but that doesn't keep me from judging books by their covers (and titles), and I'm sure I'm not the only one. Released as ebooks this time though, the Skulduggery Pleasant books have awesome covers again, covers I'm sure no one could overlook. I don't get comments from Americans, but my stats tell me I get more American readers than readers from any other nation, and Skulduggery Pleasant Book 1 is one of the main searches people come to my blog by. That takes them to my reviews of the books, usually book 1. I hope at least some of those people coming to my Skulduggery review are Americans, and I hope this post helps spread the word about the American Skulduggery ebooks, because they're amazing! Go here http://bit.ly/qNJYCP. The first book's free for October! The others are awesome too! Read them! Love them! Nerd with me over them! Does that sound weird?
Anyway, I also want to say that I'm sorry I've posted so little, but that's probably not going to change anytime soon. At least, not until summer, and probably not even then if I get an internship. I'm guessing my followers are all pretty busy too, judging by how there was no avalanche of blog updates on my dashboard. Well, maybe a small avalanche, but quite manageable. That's good. We'll all just keep busy till we can get back together again like old times. =)
Also, just in general, school's going ok, but I feel like I don't really know the chemistry I should for my second exam on Tuesday. I need to study, but I have a ton of other stuff to do this weekend. I'm tired, and I want to say something. The last couple posts? I'm not proud of them. I mean, I'm not terribly ashamed of them, but usually, when I post something, I'm proud of it. Even if I said something completely embarassing and personal, I felt better for it. This wasn't the case for the last posts, and I think that might be because I don't feel I was completely honest. I like the attention from the boys who've given me attention, even if I do hate being cliche and and don't want my life to get any more complicated, which it will with these boys being all...them. But it's not as big a deal as I thought. I haven't done anything about my situation with my cafeteria freind, even though I'm quite sure now he likes me, just from the way he flirts with me all the time. But I really like him and talking to him, and he seems to get over people fast, as he was interested in my other friend just a few weeks ago. I'm not going to stop talking to him, and I'm sure he'll eventually just get over whatever he has for me. On the other hand, the 29-year-old guy who hit on me is still creeping me out, but he hasn't really done anything to creep me out. Not really. So I feel a bit mean for being creeped, but I can't really help it. He's, well, creepy. I've met a few other nice boys who seem to like talking to me, one (nearly lovable) clown who flirts with everyone, and one guy who saw the pink (formerly blue) streaks in my hair, walked right up to me, and said, "I'm James. I love your hair. We should hang out." It's all good I suppose. I worry less about it now.
I think the biggest theme of the past few days has been that I can't really do this. I can't pass my chemistry exam. I can't get all my other work done. I'm going on 2-3 hours of sleep most weekdays. Last week, I had to deal with a somewhat disturbing drama with a writing teacher who gave me an F, told me to come into her office, and then asked me if I was threatening her when I told her, "Other students are confused and upset, too. [About how low she's grading us.] I just thought you should know." She told me I was welcome to withdraw from the class, so I asked some office people about switching sections, and in the end, I took the administrator guy's advice to "reopen the door" with the teacher. I wrote an apology for making her feel threatened, read it aloud to her, she accepted it, and afterwards, I couldn't decide if I'd been mature or cowardly. Either way, it was upsetting and a tad humiliating. And my point is that I'm overwhelmed and can't do all I need to do to get by. Lately, I've been waking up in the morning and thinking, "It's too heavy for me." This whole burden. So I've been realizing that I have to let God carry it because I flat-out can't. I mentioned before that I realized I was never really in charge of how well I do in life anyway. God is. But that doesn't stop me from worrying and trying every day to carry this burden I can't. I know this sounds a bit unoriginal, but it's true. If God wants me to pass the chemistry exam, He'll help me do it. Otherwise...well, I just don't want to think about "otherwise." That's why I keep worrying about carrying the burden myself. But I can't, and now, I'm just trying to trust God and stop worrying.
Well, I'll post again when I can. Thanks for reading my posts, my faithful readers of posts. =)
Anyway, I also want to say that I'm sorry I've posted so little, but that's probably not going to change anytime soon. At least, not until summer, and probably not even then if I get an internship. I'm guessing my followers are all pretty busy too, judging by how there was no avalanche of blog updates on my dashboard. Well, maybe a small avalanche, but quite manageable. That's good. We'll all just keep busy till we can get back together again like old times. =)
Also, just in general, school's going ok, but I feel like I don't really know the chemistry I should for my second exam on Tuesday. I need to study, but I have a ton of other stuff to do this weekend. I'm tired, and I want to say something. The last couple posts? I'm not proud of them. I mean, I'm not terribly ashamed of them, but usually, when I post something, I'm proud of it. Even if I said something completely embarassing and personal, I felt better for it. This wasn't the case for the last posts, and I think that might be because I don't feel I was completely honest. I like the attention from the boys who've given me attention, even if I do hate being cliche and and don't want my life to get any more complicated, which it will with these boys being all...them. But it's not as big a deal as I thought. I haven't done anything about my situation with my cafeteria freind, even though I'm quite sure now he likes me, just from the way he flirts with me all the time. But I really like him and talking to him, and he seems to get over people fast, as he was interested in my other friend just a few weeks ago. I'm not going to stop talking to him, and I'm sure he'll eventually just get over whatever he has for me. On the other hand, the 29-year-old guy who hit on me is still creeping me out, but he hasn't really done anything to creep me out. Not really. So I feel a bit mean for being creeped, but I can't really help it. He's, well, creepy. I've met a few other nice boys who seem to like talking to me, one (nearly lovable) clown who flirts with everyone, and one guy who saw the pink (formerly blue) streaks in my hair, walked right up to me, and said, "I'm James. I love your hair. We should hang out." It's all good I suppose. I worry less about it now.
I think the biggest theme of the past few days has been that I can't really do this. I can't pass my chemistry exam. I can't get all my other work done. I'm going on 2-3 hours of sleep most weekdays. Last week, I had to deal with a somewhat disturbing drama with a writing teacher who gave me an F, told me to come into her office, and then asked me if I was threatening her when I told her, "Other students are confused and upset, too. [About how low she's grading us.] I just thought you should know." She told me I was welcome to withdraw from the class, so I asked some office people about switching sections, and in the end, I took the administrator guy's advice to "reopen the door" with the teacher. I wrote an apology for making her feel threatened, read it aloud to her, she accepted it, and afterwards, I couldn't decide if I'd been mature or cowardly. Either way, it was upsetting and a tad humiliating. And my point is that I'm overwhelmed and can't do all I need to do to get by. Lately, I've been waking up in the morning and thinking, "It's too heavy for me." This whole burden. So I've been realizing that I have to let God carry it because I flat-out can't. I mentioned before that I realized I was never really in charge of how well I do in life anyway. God is. But that doesn't stop me from worrying and trying every day to carry this burden I can't. I know this sounds a bit unoriginal, but it's true. If God wants me to pass the chemistry exam, He'll help me do it. Otherwise...well, I just don't want to think about "otherwise." That's why I keep worrying about carrying the burden myself. But I can't, and now, I'm just trying to trust God and stop worrying.
Well, I'll post again when I can. Thanks for reading my posts, my faithful readers of posts. =)
Friday, September 23, 2011
SO. LAAAAAME!
Okay, so I haven't posted in a few weeks. It feels longer, but I've been terribly busy. This week was the worst. I had my first chemistry exam, among other big school projects. I got 73 on the exam, and I've been weird and upset about it, but you know what trumps even that? And it is so lame, I swear. It's boys.
Go-lly, I hate saying that. Someone shoot me. I suck.
Right now, it's this guy who works in the cafeteria. I just got back from talking with him. I've been talking with him every week day for a week or two, and he's always seemed really great. He always made me feel important, every time I saw him. And I really need that. I shouldn't need that. I should be able to make myself feel important, and I CAN, given time and sleep, but it really helps to have someone else do some of the work for me. It can be a lot of work to feel important. And he's the kind of person who treats everyone like they're important but not like they're the same. Especially this last week when I was REALLY sleep-deprived and felt like crap a lot, he made me feel better by giving me his full attention, really TALKING to me, and just being happy to see me. You know you're important when someone's that happy to see you. And it wasn't weird. I mean, I was awkward around him a fair amount of the time, but awkward in a familiar way, like I get when I'm around really fantastic people who still treat me well even though I'm so awkward.
Yesterday, he sat with me during his break and told me about how he wants to get far away from this town to get away from the people who bullied him in school and now try to be buddies with him. I told him I want to travel too. He told me he's bored in this town, and I told him how I'm starting to be bored with my classes and that's bad. He told him how he's doing better than any of his brothers, and I knew he was that kind of person. Someone like me. Someone who is their own person. Most people honestly aren't. Only the people who suffer and still have the heart and brain power to look at themselves and make a choice about who they are, instead of just letting everthing affect them as it will and growing up to be as their parents raised them. People like that are nice to other people for reasons, because they believe it's right, because they like the people, etc. Not just because they were raised all nice. And I knew he was that kind of person.
Then today, he told me he doesn't really believe in God, and it didn't surprise me. It made me sad, but I reckoned he'd be that kind of person too. It so often seems that the best, brightest, kindest, most accepting people, the ones who act more Christian that Christians do, are the people who don't really believe in God. Ironically. So we talked over the cafeteria food island thingy, and I told him some of the stuff I said in the Agnostics, Atheiests, and Scientific Christianity post. He seemed just a bit stubborn about it, but it's understandable to be a bit stubborn.
And anwyay, I was tired and I knew I didn't look so good, and I was talking in my "loud voice," which I hate, to be heard over the noise, and I got nervous and blushed and shook a little, and part way through our conversation, he told me I had something on my face. All awkward enough, but not more so than I'm used to. And then I told him that some friends and I are going to see The Lion King tomorrow. He talked about how he loved The Lion King and wanted to see it also. I invited him to come with us tomorrow, but he said he was broke and suggested NEXT weekend, and I said yes. *Head-desk* First of all, I don't have the time to go see a movie two weekends in a row, and secondly, the way he smiled then, looked at me, and said, "Okay, sounds like fun." The way he did it. Geez, I'm pretty sure he sees it as a *whispers* date.
No! I didn't want this. I do really like him. But I didn't mean to ask him out. I really, really hope that's not actually what I did. But I may have. I could be wrong about what that look meant, but I'm often right about people. I was right about him a lot. I hope he doesn't see it as a date, but I expect he does because I hope for the best and expect the worst.
I don't see him that way. Okay, maybe a little, but overall, I already KNOW he's not perfect. He's a bit irritating and tries to fix my problems by contradicting me when I tell him about them. Not to mention he doesn't believe in God and I do. Golly, that's a foundation for a terrible relationship. Okay, maybe not TERRIBLE, but I won't settle for anything less than perfect. Anything less than perfect is terrible to me.
Just yesterday, I was feeling all proud of myself for liking him a lot but not wanting or expecting him to be, like, my boyfriend. That seemed very mature and helped me believe I was overcoming the lameness of me + boys in earlier weeks. I just wanted him to be my friend, my bud, my amigo. See, though?!!! Doesn't that sound like one of the oldest, moldiest cliches ever, "I just want to be friends."?? It's cliche on one person's side and painful on the other person's. This whole THING is cliche, me as a young girl, going off to college and having boy issues. And I HATE being cliche. It's so lame! So. LAME! That actually is what hurts me the most, feeling like a cliche girl. I know it's selfish of me to let that bug me more than the thought of how it might hurt the guy to hear that I don't want to date him, but I guess...I'm selfish. But don't let that make you think that I don't care how it might hurt him. It scares and hurts me enormously to think that things might have to be weird between us from now on and that I may have to hurt this guy who's been really nice to me.
Plus, I have to think about my mom and how it needles me that she may have been right. Before I left home, she told me, "If you have to fall in love, fall in love with someone who loves God." And I thought that was the stupidest thing ever. It sounds like she thinks I'm a stupid girl, which is another reason I hate feeling cliche. Cliche girls are stupid (cliche girls, not real girls), about many things, but especially boys. They fall in love for no reason, and it's not real love. I'm waiting for a soul mate, the one person in all the world who's meant just for me, and you don't find one by moving a couple hundred miles away. I was so not going to fall in love. I'm still not. I kind of refuse to. If I do, I guess I do. But I refuse to con myself into thinking I'm in love when I'm not. My mom made it sound like I have no control over myself, and I do. I used to think it would be easy to ignore boys, and girls like Taylor Swift were the dumbest, but that was during the past few years when I was pretty isolated and didn't come into contact with boys anyway. Of course, it was easy not to think about them, and I felt smart for it, but I guess I always remembered in a corner of my mind how I was when I was a kid. I was indeed a tad boy-crazy, and I hate that part of my past self, and that's probably why I also hate it in other people.
But anyway, I lost some confidence in my control over my feelings when I had that weird crush on that one boy, but I still know that I have control over whether I let myself believe I'm "in love" and what I do because of it. I didn't realize, though, that it's much harder to control the impulse to date someone because I believe I really like them and don't want to hurt them. I hate how complicated this all is.
And what's worse is I knew it would be complicated, sort of. When I first came here, I thought boys would see me as just a friend, as I would see them. However, then there was that Catholic boy. I spent a couple days just wishing to see him. I actually ached to see him, and then I did. We talked and I decided he was a bit conceited, and it hurt how he sometimes just ignored me. It took a while to sort through my feelings, but I think I wanted to see him so badly because he was a mystery, not because I had any real feelings for him. I don't know many people like him. He's a Sagittarius, which sounds crazy to some of you I'm sure, but I think people often are much like their star signs. I only know one other Sagittarius. Anyway, I just couldn't put my finger on what kind of person he was, so he seemed ethereal and untouchable, which I may have confused with me liking him. I know now he's a bit uppity (he thinks engineers are smarter than other people, whereas I think they're smart in different ways), and I like him but not that well. But it's still weird, because of the weirdness in the beginning and because he still only says hi to me some days and not others.
Even more confusing than him, though, I talked a few times to this guy I thought was gay. I wasn't certain. I just knew he talked like Adam Lambert. I do hate myself for stereotyping, but anyway, one day, I saw him down the sidewalk and said hi and that I wasn't stalking him and he said he wouldn't mind if I did. And then he offered to study with me and give me his phone number, and I'm pretty sure now he's not gay. And he's 29. Age doesn't matter if you're really in love, but I'm not, and it's creepy to have a 29-year-old hit on me. I'd had enough after that and decided to basically stop talking to boys, except my cafeteria friend because he was smart enough to let us just be friends. Or so I wished.
And then, I think, "It wouldn't be so bad dating him." No, it wouldn't. He's way more interesting and unusual and real than any of the other guys around here, or most other places I know. I haven't had such honest conversations with anyone else here, and not in a long time. I guess I used to have conversations like this with my older brother, who my cafeteria friend reminds me of a lot. And he just seems so much more upfront than anyone else here. He talks about things that other people just don't talk about, important things that should be talked about, like God. I can talk to him and somehow come away feeling like that really happened. Not that I feel like I'm just imagining my conversations with other people, but it just feels more concrete when I have conversations with him. I think because he's honest and his own genuine person. But, "not so bad," is the stupid part. A lot of people settle for "not so bad" when they should realize that only Perfect is worth it. I never want to lose sight of that, and I almost do sometimes, which scares me. I'd regret a mistake like settling for "not so bad" for the rest of my life. Not to mention I don't really trust the guy yet. I know how long and how well some people can fake niceness, and though I don't really believe it, he could be tricking me.
Besides, the only reason I know my friend is because he and my other friend were good buds first, and I'm pretty sure she was kinda sweet on him. And I thought they'd be adorable together. I wanted them to get together because they get along so well. But she hasn't talked to him much lately, and I wonder if she decided she didn't like him so much. And I wouldn't expect her to get serious with him now that I know he doesn't believe in God, and she's a devout Catholic. But I used to think it would be so cool if those two could get together, and I could just have them both as friends.
He's awesome, and I love him in the sense that he's awesome, and I find him attractive because of how awesome he is, yes, but I'm not in love with him. I'm just not. But I'm freaking out about what to do about the Lion King.
I just thought of something. I'm supposed to go home the weekend after next. I can tell him that. But...I think I'm just gonna have to tell him what I've been thinking, because I do want to go to the movies with him. It will be fun, but I don't want it to be a date. I'll have to tell him that I don't want a boyfriend, and if he wasn't thinking "date," I'll look incredibly stupid, but if he was, I have to say something. Then, if he's hurt, the worst part about all this will be losing my friend who could make me feel important on all the worst days.
So. Freaking. Cliche.
Go-lly, I hate saying that. Someone shoot me. I suck.
Right now, it's this guy who works in the cafeteria. I just got back from talking with him. I've been talking with him every week day for a week or two, and he's always seemed really great. He always made me feel important, every time I saw him. And I really need that. I shouldn't need that. I should be able to make myself feel important, and I CAN, given time and sleep, but it really helps to have someone else do some of the work for me. It can be a lot of work to feel important. And he's the kind of person who treats everyone like they're important but not like they're the same. Especially this last week when I was REALLY sleep-deprived and felt like crap a lot, he made me feel better by giving me his full attention, really TALKING to me, and just being happy to see me. You know you're important when someone's that happy to see you. And it wasn't weird. I mean, I was awkward around him a fair amount of the time, but awkward in a familiar way, like I get when I'm around really fantastic people who still treat me well even though I'm so awkward.
Yesterday, he sat with me during his break and told me about how he wants to get far away from this town to get away from the people who bullied him in school and now try to be buddies with him. I told him I want to travel too. He told me he's bored in this town, and I told him how I'm starting to be bored with my classes and that's bad. He told him how he's doing better than any of his brothers, and I knew he was that kind of person. Someone like me. Someone who is their own person. Most people honestly aren't. Only the people who suffer and still have the heart and brain power to look at themselves and make a choice about who they are, instead of just letting everthing affect them as it will and growing up to be as their parents raised them. People like that are nice to other people for reasons, because they believe it's right, because they like the people, etc. Not just because they were raised all nice. And I knew he was that kind of person.
Then today, he told me he doesn't really believe in God, and it didn't surprise me. It made me sad, but I reckoned he'd be that kind of person too. It so often seems that the best, brightest, kindest, most accepting people, the ones who act more Christian that Christians do, are the people who don't really believe in God. Ironically. So we talked over the cafeteria food island thingy, and I told him some of the stuff I said in the Agnostics, Atheiests, and Scientific Christianity post. He seemed just a bit stubborn about it, but it's understandable to be a bit stubborn.
And anwyay, I was tired and I knew I didn't look so good, and I was talking in my "loud voice," which I hate, to be heard over the noise, and I got nervous and blushed and shook a little, and part way through our conversation, he told me I had something on my face. All awkward enough, but not more so than I'm used to. And then I told him that some friends and I are going to see The Lion King tomorrow. He talked about how he loved The Lion King and wanted to see it also. I invited him to come with us tomorrow, but he said he was broke and suggested NEXT weekend, and I said yes. *Head-desk* First of all, I don't have the time to go see a movie two weekends in a row, and secondly, the way he smiled then, looked at me, and said, "Okay, sounds like fun." The way he did it. Geez, I'm pretty sure he sees it as a *whispers* date.
No! I didn't want this. I do really like him. But I didn't mean to ask him out. I really, really hope that's not actually what I did. But I may have. I could be wrong about what that look meant, but I'm often right about people. I was right about him a lot. I hope he doesn't see it as a date, but I expect he does because I hope for the best and expect the worst.
I don't see him that way. Okay, maybe a little, but overall, I already KNOW he's not perfect. He's a bit irritating and tries to fix my problems by contradicting me when I tell him about them. Not to mention he doesn't believe in God and I do. Golly, that's a foundation for a terrible relationship. Okay, maybe not TERRIBLE, but I won't settle for anything less than perfect. Anything less than perfect is terrible to me.
Just yesterday, I was feeling all proud of myself for liking him a lot but not wanting or expecting him to be, like, my boyfriend. That seemed very mature and helped me believe I was overcoming the lameness of me + boys in earlier weeks. I just wanted him to be my friend, my bud, my amigo. See, though?!!! Doesn't that sound like one of the oldest, moldiest cliches ever, "I just want to be friends."?? It's cliche on one person's side and painful on the other person's. This whole THING is cliche, me as a young girl, going off to college and having boy issues. And I HATE being cliche. It's so lame! So. LAME! That actually is what hurts me the most, feeling like a cliche girl. I know it's selfish of me to let that bug me more than the thought of how it might hurt the guy to hear that I don't want to date him, but I guess...I'm selfish. But don't let that make you think that I don't care how it might hurt him. It scares and hurts me enormously to think that things might have to be weird between us from now on and that I may have to hurt this guy who's been really nice to me.
Plus, I have to think about my mom and how it needles me that she may have been right. Before I left home, she told me, "If you have to fall in love, fall in love with someone who loves God." And I thought that was the stupidest thing ever. It sounds like she thinks I'm a stupid girl, which is another reason I hate feeling cliche. Cliche girls are stupid (cliche girls, not real girls), about many things, but especially boys. They fall in love for no reason, and it's not real love. I'm waiting for a soul mate, the one person in all the world who's meant just for me, and you don't find one by moving a couple hundred miles away. I was so not going to fall in love. I'm still not. I kind of refuse to. If I do, I guess I do. But I refuse to con myself into thinking I'm in love when I'm not. My mom made it sound like I have no control over myself, and I do. I used to think it would be easy to ignore boys, and girls like Taylor Swift were the dumbest, but that was during the past few years when I was pretty isolated and didn't come into contact with boys anyway. Of course, it was easy not to think about them, and I felt smart for it, but I guess I always remembered in a corner of my mind how I was when I was a kid. I was indeed a tad boy-crazy, and I hate that part of my past self, and that's probably why I also hate it in other people.
But anyway, I lost some confidence in my control over my feelings when I had that weird crush on that one boy, but I still know that I have control over whether I let myself believe I'm "in love" and what I do because of it. I didn't realize, though, that it's much harder to control the impulse to date someone because I believe I really like them and don't want to hurt them. I hate how complicated this all is.
And what's worse is I knew it would be complicated, sort of. When I first came here, I thought boys would see me as just a friend, as I would see them. However, then there was that Catholic boy. I spent a couple days just wishing to see him. I actually ached to see him, and then I did. We talked and I decided he was a bit conceited, and it hurt how he sometimes just ignored me. It took a while to sort through my feelings, but I think I wanted to see him so badly because he was a mystery, not because I had any real feelings for him. I don't know many people like him. He's a Sagittarius, which sounds crazy to some of you I'm sure, but I think people often are much like their star signs. I only know one other Sagittarius. Anyway, I just couldn't put my finger on what kind of person he was, so he seemed ethereal and untouchable, which I may have confused with me liking him. I know now he's a bit uppity (he thinks engineers are smarter than other people, whereas I think they're smart in different ways), and I like him but not that well. But it's still weird, because of the weirdness in the beginning and because he still only says hi to me some days and not others.
Even more confusing than him, though, I talked a few times to this guy I thought was gay. I wasn't certain. I just knew he talked like Adam Lambert. I do hate myself for stereotyping, but anyway, one day, I saw him down the sidewalk and said hi and that I wasn't stalking him and he said he wouldn't mind if I did. And then he offered to study with me and give me his phone number, and I'm pretty sure now he's not gay. And he's 29. Age doesn't matter if you're really in love, but I'm not, and it's creepy to have a 29-year-old hit on me. I'd had enough after that and decided to basically stop talking to boys, except my cafeteria friend because he was smart enough to let us just be friends. Or so I wished.
And then, I think, "It wouldn't be so bad dating him." No, it wouldn't. He's way more interesting and unusual and real than any of the other guys around here, or most other places I know. I haven't had such honest conversations with anyone else here, and not in a long time. I guess I used to have conversations like this with my older brother, who my cafeteria friend reminds me of a lot. And he just seems so much more upfront than anyone else here. He talks about things that other people just don't talk about, important things that should be talked about, like God. I can talk to him and somehow come away feeling like that really happened. Not that I feel like I'm just imagining my conversations with other people, but it just feels more concrete when I have conversations with him. I think because he's honest and his own genuine person. But, "not so bad," is the stupid part. A lot of people settle for "not so bad" when they should realize that only Perfect is worth it. I never want to lose sight of that, and I almost do sometimes, which scares me. I'd regret a mistake like settling for "not so bad" for the rest of my life. Not to mention I don't really trust the guy yet. I know how long and how well some people can fake niceness, and though I don't really believe it, he could be tricking me.
Besides, the only reason I know my friend is because he and my other friend were good buds first, and I'm pretty sure she was kinda sweet on him. And I thought they'd be adorable together. I wanted them to get together because they get along so well. But she hasn't talked to him much lately, and I wonder if she decided she didn't like him so much. And I wouldn't expect her to get serious with him now that I know he doesn't believe in God, and she's a devout Catholic. But I used to think it would be so cool if those two could get together, and I could just have them both as friends.
He's awesome, and I love him in the sense that he's awesome, and I find him attractive because of how awesome he is, yes, but I'm not in love with him. I'm just not. But I'm freaking out about what to do about the Lion King.
I just thought of something. I'm supposed to go home the weekend after next. I can tell him that. But...I think I'm just gonna have to tell him what I've been thinking, because I do want to go to the movies with him. It will be fun, but I don't want it to be a date. I'll have to tell him that I don't want a boyfriend, and if he wasn't thinking "date," I'll look incredibly stupid, but if he was, I have to say something. Then, if he's hurt, the worst part about all this will be losing my friend who could make me feel important on all the worst days.
So. Freaking. Cliche.
Monday, September 5, 2011
College: My First Two Weeks Overall
So...
I told you about the quiz, but that was an incident. It represents a couple of days in my life. If I were to tell you about college overall, it would sound different. Less intersting, actually, but I'm gonna tell you anyway. Suck it up. =)
Basically, through most of my first two weeks, I had no idea what I was feeling. I was terrified the first night, after a "personal safety talk" that reminded me of all the reasons I was scared to go to college. But after that, I'm not sure if I just didn't feel anything, or if I just didn't feel anything I'm used to feeling. It didn't feel like it usually feels when I don't feel anything. Maybe, it was just that I didn't know the names of the emotions I felt. Wow, I'm being confusing. But my current emotions became mild, at the least. And at the most, my usual emotions abandoned me. I didn't feel terrified, although I wanted to avoid the loudmouths outside my door and window. I didn't feel annoyed, or inconvenienced at having to share a bathroom with other girls, a bathroom with shower stalls that had only curtains for privacy where I would have preferred frosted glass doors. I didn't act silly. I didn't feel embarassed. Much. I did have an incident where I dropped a yogurt, and some people next to me cleaned it up and told me to, "Put your stuff down. It's easier." Which was also annoying because I hate when people tell me what to do, but they were partly right. Partly. It's not exactly easier, and who asked you anyway? Hmm?! I'm not a child, I don't need you to tell me it might be easier, that's obvious, I made the choice to HOLD my stuff, don't question my personal choices! Just because you cleaned up yogurt without being asked doesn't give you the right to patronize me!!!
Anyway, I think part of why I had no idea what I was feeling may have been because I was tired. My brain was filtering out a lot of material to keep me focused on what I needed to do to survive. Or something. Anyway, it was very strange and unnerving, and it lasts somewhat to this very day.
I could never sleep very well because college kids were shouting and making a ruckus outside my window and door every hour of the night, and it was hot, so I had to keep the window open. I didn't have a lot of water to drink because the tap water's terrible and never cold, and bottled water was expensive and hard to lug from the store, so it never felt like I had enough, and I'm used to drinking a lot of water. The food was usually not very good and didn't agree with me, and I had heartburn a lot because of the lack of water.
I didn't miss much from home. I hardly ever miss people. With people, it's out of sight, out of mind. I did miss my pets, though. I'd see a cat here and there, and I'd get cat-sick. I saw basil growing in a pot in the cafeteria and got plant-sick, missing my own basil plants, and tomato plants and flowers. But mostly my cats. All the objects I invested the most time and care into. But I still didn't miss them that badly. I didn't ache for them. However, I think the lack of cats also contributed to my lack of sleep. I sleep better on days I pet cats.
It's hard to say how my classes are really. They're not yet even in "full swing," as they say. I still have to have the first real session of one of my regular classes, one they didn't hold for the first two weeks for various reasons. Otherwise, the classes aren't challenging concept-wise. They're mostly review, but there's a lot of work involved, and I'm left wondering if I can do it all and if I can do it all well. The pressure is the hard part.
I met some nice people, girls and guys I get along with, but mostly girls. The first couple of days here, people actually seemed TOO nice, and I felt like I was in some Twilight Zone episode. Probably an overreaction once again caused by lack of sleep. But still, I was kinda right. It couldn't and didn't last. People are still nice, but less smiley at least, and it's less creepy. I know better how to react. I think they were just putting on their best faces for the days freshmen arrived. My electrical engineering professors still seem nice, and I think they truly are just laidback people, but I'm not actually taking classes from them yet, and the rest of the people are just less creepy when they don't try to be nicer than they really are.
I think one of the boys here likes me, and he doesn't even know me. I think he almost sorta nearly asked me out. He asked me to go rafting with a few other students, but the way he said it. "Are you doing anything this Saturday? . . . If you want, you might want to come. We're going rafting this Saturday. If you want." I hate rafting, so of course, I said no, but being asked was the most bizarre occurence that's ever happened to me. And it could just be my delusions. And it's sort of difficult because he seems awfully nice, and if he was indeed sort of asking me out, and if he does indeed like me, I'm flattered beyond words, because I've never been asked out before and he seems really nice, albeit in an awkward way. But that makes everything complicated because I'd hate to hurt his feelings but I'd probably wouldn't go out with him if he asked me. I'm waiting for my soulmate, which he couldn't be, because my soulmate wouldn't ask me out when he didn't even know me. I may be imagining that he almost sorta nearly asked me out. I hope so. That makes everything much less complicated.
For my own part, I have been weird recently concerning a boy, which is so very not like me. I don't know him. He's Catholic and majoring in some field of engineering. There. That's certainly no basis for any feeling, and I think I have a crush on him. That is so juvenile. I was so sure I'd outgrown having crushes that I didn't even know I was that sure. I just was. I just think about him far more often than I would most people, and obviously for no good reason. He's moderately good-looking, like most of the students. He's nice and friendly, and not in an awkward way. And he's possibly gay, just based on the way he talks and the rainbow bracelet he always seems to wear and the pink shirt he wore the first time I saw him. I hate myself for thinking that, because I believe people should have the freedom to behave in opposition with common gender roles WITHOUT being called gay, but that's another rant. I think part of why I like this boy is because he might be gay, and I've always sort of liked gay people, if I'm honest, because I partly believe that gays are all nice, respectful people, which I also hate myself for because that's also stereotyping. Golly, this is getting convoluted. I hope this crush can also be attributed to lack of sleep, and the first time I see this kid on a good night's rest, it will all be normal for me again. Otherwise, I may be forced to conclude that I've lost my mind. I'm actually terribly ashamed of this crush, but this is where I talk about what I'm ashamed of.
But this past weekend, I went home and got some real sleep, spent time with my mom, said hi to my pets and plants. They all still remember me! Well, except the plants. They're just terrible with faces. But I was scared my cats wouldn't remember me. The ones I've given away have acted distant to me, like they didn't know me, and I thought it could happen with the ones I left at home too. But it was like I never left to them. We just picked up where we left off. It was tremendous. I had a good time with my mom too. I know it probably didn't sound good, the way I talked about her in the last post, so I need to say that I love my mom. I truly do. I even like her and get along with her, when I'm not trying to talk to her about anything that's important to me. No, I don't mean to sound like that exactly, but she was the one who made me realize that the people you love aren't always your friends. You can't always trust them, if ever. And it's like you have no control over when you remember that fact. Much of the time, you get along swimmingly and you can't help but forget what you know, and it get hammered into your head again the next time they break your heart, only so you can forget it again and again. It's just complicated, my relationship with her. She was once my best friend, and I'll try never to forget that, and I'd die for her, but...I'll have to post more about it later.
Anyway, I got some sleep, and I'm hoping to be more reasonable now. But I know it won't last. I'll be sleep-deprived again by tomorrow morning.
I told you about the quiz, but that was an incident. It represents a couple of days in my life. If I were to tell you about college overall, it would sound different. Less intersting, actually, but I'm gonna tell you anyway. Suck it up. =)
Basically, through most of my first two weeks, I had no idea what I was feeling. I was terrified the first night, after a "personal safety talk" that reminded me of all the reasons I was scared to go to college. But after that, I'm not sure if I just didn't feel anything, or if I just didn't feel anything I'm used to feeling. It didn't feel like it usually feels when I don't feel anything. Maybe, it was just that I didn't know the names of the emotions I felt. Wow, I'm being confusing. But my current emotions became mild, at the least. And at the most, my usual emotions abandoned me. I didn't feel terrified, although I wanted to avoid the loudmouths outside my door and window. I didn't feel annoyed, or inconvenienced at having to share a bathroom with other girls, a bathroom with shower stalls that had only curtains for privacy where I would have preferred frosted glass doors. I didn't act silly. I didn't feel embarassed. Much. I did have an incident where I dropped a yogurt, and some people next to me cleaned it up and told me to, "Put your stuff down. It's easier." Which was also annoying because I hate when people tell me what to do, but they were partly right. Partly. It's not exactly easier, and who asked you anyway? Hmm?! I'm not a child, I don't need you to tell me it might be easier, that's obvious, I made the choice to HOLD my stuff, don't question my personal choices! Just because you cleaned up yogurt without being asked doesn't give you the right to patronize me!!!
Anyway, I think part of why I had no idea what I was feeling may have been because I was tired. My brain was filtering out a lot of material to keep me focused on what I needed to do to survive. Or something. Anyway, it was very strange and unnerving, and it lasts somewhat to this very day.
I could never sleep very well because college kids were shouting and making a ruckus outside my window and door every hour of the night, and it was hot, so I had to keep the window open. I didn't have a lot of water to drink because the tap water's terrible and never cold, and bottled water was expensive and hard to lug from the store, so it never felt like I had enough, and I'm used to drinking a lot of water. The food was usually not very good and didn't agree with me, and I had heartburn a lot because of the lack of water.
I didn't miss much from home. I hardly ever miss people. With people, it's out of sight, out of mind. I did miss my pets, though. I'd see a cat here and there, and I'd get cat-sick. I saw basil growing in a pot in the cafeteria and got plant-sick, missing my own basil plants, and tomato plants and flowers. But mostly my cats. All the objects I invested the most time and care into. But I still didn't miss them that badly. I didn't ache for them. However, I think the lack of cats also contributed to my lack of sleep. I sleep better on days I pet cats.
It's hard to say how my classes are really. They're not yet even in "full swing," as they say. I still have to have the first real session of one of my regular classes, one they didn't hold for the first two weeks for various reasons. Otherwise, the classes aren't challenging concept-wise. They're mostly review, but there's a lot of work involved, and I'm left wondering if I can do it all and if I can do it all well. The pressure is the hard part.
I met some nice people, girls and guys I get along with, but mostly girls. The first couple of days here, people actually seemed TOO nice, and I felt like I was in some Twilight Zone episode. Probably an overreaction once again caused by lack of sleep. But still, I was kinda right. It couldn't and didn't last. People are still nice, but less smiley at least, and it's less creepy. I know better how to react. I think they were just putting on their best faces for the days freshmen arrived. My electrical engineering professors still seem nice, and I think they truly are just laidback people, but I'm not actually taking classes from them yet, and the rest of the people are just less creepy when they don't try to be nicer than they really are.
I think one of the boys here likes me, and he doesn't even know me. I think he almost sorta nearly asked me out. He asked me to go rafting with a few other students, but the way he said it. "Are you doing anything this Saturday? . . . If you want, you might want to come. We're going rafting this Saturday. If you want." I hate rafting, so of course, I said no, but being asked was the most bizarre occurence that's ever happened to me. And it could just be my delusions. And it's sort of difficult because he seems awfully nice, and if he was indeed sort of asking me out, and if he does indeed like me, I'm flattered beyond words, because I've never been asked out before and he seems really nice, albeit in an awkward way. But that makes everything complicated because I'd hate to hurt his feelings but I'd probably wouldn't go out with him if he asked me. I'm waiting for my soulmate, which he couldn't be, because my soulmate wouldn't ask me out when he didn't even know me. I may be imagining that he almost sorta nearly asked me out. I hope so. That makes everything much less complicated.
For my own part, I have been weird recently concerning a boy, which is so very not like me. I don't know him. He's Catholic and majoring in some field of engineering. There. That's certainly no basis for any feeling, and I think I have a crush on him. That is so juvenile. I was so sure I'd outgrown having crushes that I didn't even know I was that sure. I just was. I just think about him far more often than I would most people, and obviously for no good reason. He's moderately good-looking, like most of the students. He's nice and friendly, and not in an awkward way. And he's possibly gay, just based on the way he talks and the rainbow bracelet he always seems to wear and the pink shirt he wore the first time I saw him. I hate myself for thinking that, because I believe people should have the freedom to behave in opposition with common gender roles WITHOUT being called gay, but that's another rant. I think part of why I like this boy is because he might be gay, and I've always sort of liked gay people, if I'm honest, because I partly believe that gays are all nice, respectful people, which I also hate myself for because that's also stereotyping. Golly, this is getting convoluted. I hope this crush can also be attributed to lack of sleep, and the first time I see this kid on a good night's rest, it will all be normal for me again. Otherwise, I may be forced to conclude that I've lost my mind. I'm actually terribly ashamed of this crush, but this is where I talk about what I'm ashamed of.
But this past weekend, I went home and got some real sleep, spent time with my mom, said hi to my pets and plants. They all still remember me! Well, except the plants. They're just terrible with faces. But I was scared my cats wouldn't remember me. The ones I've given away have acted distant to me, like they didn't know me, and I thought it could happen with the ones I left at home too. But it was like I never left to them. We just picked up where we left off. It was tremendous. I had a good time with my mom too. I know it probably didn't sound good, the way I talked about her in the last post, so I need to say that I love my mom. I truly do. I even like her and get along with her, when I'm not trying to talk to her about anything that's important to me. No, I don't mean to sound like that exactly, but she was the one who made me realize that the people you love aren't always your friends. You can't always trust them, if ever. And it's like you have no control over when you remember that fact. Much of the time, you get along swimmingly and you can't help but forget what you know, and it get hammered into your head again the next time they break your heart, only so you can forget it again and again. It's just complicated, my relationship with her. She was once my best friend, and I'll try never to forget that, and I'd die for her, but...I'll have to post more about it later.
Anyway, I got some sleep, and I'm hoping to be more reasonable now. But I know it won't last. I'll be sleep-deprived again by tomorrow morning.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
The Quiz
August 29, 2011
Well, I've been in college for over a week now. I have lots of classes. I've been working 8 hours or more (usually more) on schoolwork for each of the last 7 days. I felt like I was doing pretty good. I was working. Last time I was in school, I couldn't even bring myself to do that. I was too scared and discouraged and convinced I couldn't do well. Over the summer, I prayed that God would just let me WORK, and work hard. It seems He answered my prayer, and I'm grateful. But I always harbor this feeling that it will all end in a minute or two, my ability to work. That's scary. And today I think I almost came close. First of all, I'm very tired, and when you're very tired, it's often hard to tell how tired you are. You're no longer sleepy, just tired. Even on days I try to sleep in, it's usually too hot. And it's definitely affecting me. I've made some really weird typos and mistakes in the last few days.
Yesterday, specifically, I tried to take my first quiz of the year. It went far too slowly, and I ended up with a pretty bad score. Well, at least, I thought it was 75 all last night and today, but my teacher just told me it's actually about 90, which isn't so bad. Anyway, I was awfully discouraged and a host of emotions attacked me. It's just the first quiz, not that important, I know, but it was a pretty easy quiz, and if I can't even do well on that...It just seemed that my first quiz would set the tone for the rest of the year. I was hoping it would go well. The other students all did well, as far as I heard, and I couldn't?
I tried talking to people about it and got no real sympathy. I tried talking to this boy I knew from my online classes. I chat online with him now and then, but just a few days after I moved to the dorms, we actually talked about topics of importance. I told him the college kids outside my window were being loud, stupid cliches, and he didn't even have to ask what I meant. He knew, and he wasn't shocked or worried, but sympathetic to the right degree. Then, we talked about college kids, how I could hear them having sex in the next room, summer camps, how the kids at camp didn't like me, which I felt ok telling him because he didn't seem able to be shocked. I didn't have to tell him not to worry, but he sympathized nonetheless.
And instead of any ordinary reply like "That's too bad," he told me this rather personal story of how kids used to call him gay and he didn't know what it meant. This was something brand new, someone telling me something that PROVED they knew pain like I did. I don't think I've ever before met someone who could make me actually feel better about anything. I'm dead serious. I didn't even hesitate to then tell him about the snobs in the online school who ignored me and made me feel like I didn't exist. He still wasn't shocked. He listened and sympathized and didn't seem to think anything ill of me for complaining about our schoolmates. He was the first and only person (I know) that I've told. I could never really tell anyone else.
I went to bed that night, not in love in the sense you might think, but thinking maybe I'd found my True Friend. You don't know exactly what I'm talking about because I haven't published my post on Love yet, but I'll post that someday, and then, you'll know. Anyway, after that, we chatted every day for two or three days, and I told him how I feel stupid even though everyone's always telling me I'm smart, and from what he said, he does also. I did realize he couldn't be my True Friend when he said he wasn't into cats, but I'd pretty much expected him NOT to be my Friend, so it didn't bug me much, and I decided to just go with the hopeful, giddy feelings I'd been having. I often have such feelings (not usually about people, though; about books, movies, etc.), and I always know they'll fade away, and it hardly bothers me anymore, to be honest. I consciously knew that they wouldn't last, but I could plainly see that he could be a good friend, if not my True one. I knew that much was truth, and not giddiness. I was wrong.
When I told him about the quiz, he gave me a smiley face. =) Seriously, and that's it. I mean, I didn't say exactly how distraught I was, but I mentioned it, and that deserves a mention in return. An emoticon does not count as a mention. The same thing happened with my mom. I emailed her about the quiz, this whole long story, and she gave me a two line reply that said NOTHING about it. I seriously wondered if she was mad at me for doing badly. She's financing me, keeps saying how my education is an investment because I'll get a good-paying job afterward, keeps saying how I need to get good grades. After that terse reply, I actually believed that she didn't really like me, that she wouldn't like me when I wasn't doing well in life. I know now she probably wasn't mad at me and didn't stop liking me, but I'd believe that she was and did, and what exactly does that say?
The quiz made me realize that the boy wasn't my True Friend or a good friend, but a person in the class of people I put my mom in months ago. These people are not friends, but friendly. Not good, but okay. Not people to trust, but people to be kind to.
After the quiz, I started to feel again that I can't do this. College. I don't think I ever really believed I could. I felt hopeless and alone and sad, all of which was worse because I was tired. I'm STILL tired. I should be sleeping right now, but I'm writing, and hopefully this will make me feel better. Last night, I kept thinking about. . . everything. Earlier in the day, I'd noticed how you're never really in control of how well you do. I mean, you are. But you aren't. I've often felt completely confident I got a question right, and it turned out wrong, and I've heard stories of people who studied as hard as possible and still failed their tests. And sometimes, like on the SAT, I've felt I would completely fail but then I did very well. So, I was thinking about how God must control all that, not you or me.
On one hand, it's extremely comforting to know you don't have to worry, because you'll succeed when you're supposed to and fail when you're supposed to. On the other hand, it's disturbing that maybe I'm not in charge or responsible for how well I do. See, just that thought could keep me from working hard. You ARE supposed to work hard. God tells us to, but why? If He controls how well you do in life anyway. You're supposed to "Seek first the kingdom of heaven" and not worry, because everything else you need will be given to you. I suppose you seek the kingdom by working at what God has given you to do, and if He's landed you in an engineering college, I suppose that's what He's given you to work at. It still doesn't explain why you should work hard when He controls how well you do. I guess you're just supposed to show you're dedication. I don't really know.
But a lot of thoughts went through my head in the last 48 hours, many of them God-related, many more than usual. This could be a good development. I've wanted to feel closer to God. He was the only one to comfort me last night, with thoughts of why I need not worry. He usually IS the only only one to comfort me.
I was even a bit grateful for the emotional turmoil. See, I was scared when I envisioned the next 9 months of full-time studying, 9 months of sitting at a desk not actually DOING much. I was scared I would become static, stop changing as a human being. I don't want to be static. I want change, not just for what surrounds me, but for me. I want to become better. That happens when I meet trials. I'd forgotten I can still meet trials from studying all day. I can change, just from the emotions of quiz-taking.
I started thinking about it, and I know it's cliche, but I realized grades aren't important. I really am just going to college to learn. And I'm not failing at learning. I've learned quite a bit. I'm only taking classes because I need to know the path to becoming an engineer -- basically what books to read -- because they motivate me to do physical learning, and because they give me a sense of time. On days without classes, all the hours blur together and I don't get much done at the leisurely pace this causes. I may need to graduate to get much of what I want, but a C is good enough to graduate, so even if my quiz grade had been as bad as I thought, it would have been okay.
I need to have more faith that everything will be okay. I need to have faith in God.
Well, I've been in college for over a week now. I have lots of classes. I've been working 8 hours or more (usually more) on schoolwork for each of the last 7 days. I felt like I was doing pretty good. I was working. Last time I was in school, I couldn't even bring myself to do that. I was too scared and discouraged and convinced I couldn't do well. Over the summer, I prayed that God would just let me WORK, and work hard. It seems He answered my prayer, and I'm grateful. But I always harbor this feeling that it will all end in a minute or two, my ability to work. That's scary. And today I think I almost came close. First of all, I'm very tired, and when you're very tired, it's often hard to tell how tired you are. You're no longer sleepy, just tired. Even on days I try to sleep in, it's usually too hot. And it's definitely affecting me. I've made some really weird typos and mistakes in the last few days.
Yesterday, specifically, I tried to take my first quiz of the year. It went far too slowly, and I ended up with a pretty bad score. Well, at least, I thought it was 75 all last night and today, but my teacher just told me it's actually about 90, which isn't so bad. Anyway, I was awfully discouraged and a host of emotions attacked me. It's just the first quiz, not that important, I know, but it was a pretty easy quiz, and if I can't even do well on that...It just seemed that my first quiz would set the tone for the rest of the year. I was hoping it would go well. The other students all did well, as far as I heard, and I couldn't?
I tried talking to people about it and got no real sympathy. I tried talking to this boy I knew from my online classes. I chat online with him now and then, but just a few days after I moved to the dorms, we actually talked about topics of importance. I told him the college kids outside my window were being loud, stupid cliches, and he didn't even have to ask what I meant. He knew, and he wasn't shocked or worried, but sympathetic to the right degree. Then, we talked about college kids, how I could hear them having sex in the next room, summer camps, how the kids at camp didn't like me, which I felt ok telling him because he didn't seem able to be shocked. I didn't have to tell him not to worry, but he sympathized nonetheless.
And instead of any ordinary reply like "That's too bad," he told me this rather personal story of how kids used to call him gay and he didn't know what it meant. This was something brand new, someone telling me something that PROVED they knew pain like I did. I don't think I've ever before met someone who could make me actually feel better about anything. I'm dead serious. I didn't even hesitate to then tell him about the snobs in the online school who ignored me and made me feel like I didn't exist. He still wasn't shocked. He listened and sympathized and didn't seem to think anything ill of me for complaining about our schoolmates. He was the first and only person (I know) that I've told. I could never really tell anyone else.
I went to bed that night, not in love in the sense you might think, but thinking maybe I'd found my True Friend. You don't know exactly what I'm talking about because I haven't published my post on Love yet, but I'll post that someday, and then, you'll know. Anyway, after that, we chatted every day for two or three days, and I told him how I feel stupid even though everyone's always telling me I'm smart, and from what he said, he does also. I did realize he couldn't be my True Friend when he said he wasn't into cats, but I'd pretty much expected him NOT to be my Friend, so it didn't bug me much, and I decided to just go with the hopeful, giddy feelings I'd been having. I often have such feelings (not usually about people, though; about books, movies, etc.), and I always know they'll fade away, and it hardly bothers me anymore, to be honest. I consciously knew that they wouldn't last, but I could plainly see that he could be a good friend, if not my True one. I knew that much was truth, and not giddiness. I was wrong.
When I told him about the quiz, he gave me a smiley face. =) Seriously, and that's it. I mean, I didn't say exactly how distraught I was, but I mentioned it, and that deserves a mention in return. An emoticon does not count as a mention. The same thing happened with my mom. I emailed her about the quiz, this whole long story, and she gave me a two line reply that said NOTHING about it. I seriously wondered if she was mad at me for doing badly. She's financing me, keeps saying how my education is an investment because I'll get a good-paying job afterward, keeps saying how I need to get good grades. After that terse reply, I actually believed that she didn't really like me, that she wouldn't like me when I wasn't doing well in life. I know now she probably wasn't mad at me and didn't stop liking me, but I'd believe that she was and did, and what exactly does that say?
The quiz made me realize that the boy wasn't my True Friend or a good friend, but a person in the class of people I put my mom in months ago. These people are not friends, but friendly. Not good, but okay. Not people to trust, but people to be kind to.
After the quiz, I started to feel again that I can't do this. College. I don't think I ever really believed I could. I felt hopeless and alone and sad, all of which was worse because I was tired. I'm STILL tired. I should be sleeping right now, but I'm writing, and hopefully this will make me feel better. Last night, I kept thinking about. . . everything. Earlier in the day, I'd noticed how you're never really in control of how well you do. I mean, you are. But you aren't. I've often felt completely confident I got a question right, and it turned out wrong, and I've heard stories of people who studied as hard as possible and still failed their tests. And sometimes, like on the SAT, I've felt I would completely fail but then I did very well. So, I was thinking about how God must control all that, not you or me.
On one hand, it's extremely comforting to know you don't have to worry, because you'll succeed when you're supposed to and fail when you're supposed to. On the other hand, it's disturbing that maybe I'm not in charge or responsible for how well I do. See, just that thought could keep me from working hard. You ARE supposed to work hard. God tells us to, but why? If He controls how well you do in life anyway. You're supposed to "Seek first the kingdom of heaven" and not worry, because everything else you need will be given to you. I suppose you seek the kingdom by working at what God has given you to do, and if He's landed you in an engineering college, I suppose that's what He's given you to work at. It still doesn't explain why you should work hard when He controls how well you do. I guess you're just supposed to show you're dedication. I don't really know.
But a lot of thoughts went through my head in the last 48 hours, many of them God-related, many more than usual. This could be a good development. I've wanted to feel closer to God. He was the only one to comfort me last night, with thoughts of why I need not worry. He usually IS the only only one to comfort me.
I was even a bit grateful for the emotional turmoil. See, I was scared when I envisioned the next 9 months of full-time studying, 9 months of sitting at a desk not actually DOING much. I was scared I would become static, stop changing as a human being. I don't want to be static. I want change, not just for what surrounds me, but for me. I want to become better. That happens when I meet trials. I'd forgotten I can still meet trials from studying all day. I can change, just from the emotions of quiz-taking.
I started thinking about it, and I know it's cliche, but I realized grades aren't important. I really am just going to college to learn. And I'm not failing at learning. I've learned quite a bit. I'm only taking classes because I need to know the path to becoming an engineer -- basically what books to read -- because they motivate me to do physical learning, and because they give me a sense of time. On days without classes, all the hours blur together and I don't get much done at the leisurely pace this causes. I may need to graduate to get much of what I want, but a C is good enough to graduate, so even if my quiz grade had been as bad as I thought, it would have been okay.
I need to have more faith that everything will be okay. I need to have faith in God.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Top 7 Lessons of the Summer
Top Seven lessons I learned or internalized over the summer:
1. Sometimes you have to make a conscious decision not to give up. Not giving up doesn't come naturally to all people. Not to me at least. When I have trouble with something right at the start, I usually quit right at the start. But I realized that's keeping me from doing things that are important to me. I quit my very first job, at McDonalds, and I didn't earn the money I could have, the money that would have made me more independent. I want to be indepenent. If I was working just to earn friends, it wouldn't be worth it, and I could quit because I don't truly want the everyday sort of friend. But I truly want to be independent. So when it comes to that, I have to say outloud that I won't give up. It worked with navigating the streets of town. I got better at it every time. It worked slightly with driving cars. I got minutely better at it every time. And these things will help me be independent. They're worth it.
2. I CAN keep myself from giving up if I make a conscious decision not to. I know now that I CAN keep myself from giving up on college. Before, it often seemed that giving up was just something that happened to me, but it's not. I can control it. Somewhat. I can also get better at controlling it. It worked on crossing the street and driving. It can work on college.
3. Everyone goes through what I go through at some point. If you start thinking you're abnormal, you'll make every twisted experience and emotion worse. And usually for no reason. When I worked at McDonalds, I stood on the other side of that terribly intimidating counter for the first time and saw how hard it was, but also saw that many people acted the same as I used to when I went to order at such a counter. Afraid of making a mistake, overwhelmed by the options, confused by the terminology, shy. (Fast food menus really are too complicated.) And I realized I wasn't weird, I realized it was okay to feel that way, and I realized that couldn't be the only area in which more than one person felt that way. Because I knew that, I could finally stop feeling that way. I could be more confident, just knowing other people do that too.
4. Be proud of your terror. This might seem a tad contradictory to the above lesson, but when I was learning to cross the city streets, I was terrified. I was extra terrified when I vaguely remembered that "scared to cross the street" is possibly some way to referring to a scaredy cat. I think. It's like "scared of her own shadow." I've never been scared of my shadow, and it's perfectly rational to be frightened to cross a street jammed with cars that could crush you in a single go. But it bugged me still, that I might be in the same category as Afraid of Own Shadow. But then I realized I was doing it anyway. I was terrified, and I was facing that terror. If I was extra terrified, I was also extra courageous, and I should be extra proud.
5. Move and talk slowly. I move and talk fast when I'm nervous, but if I control myself even then, I can eliminate many mistakes I'd otherwise make in a rush, and I can actually calm myself.
6. People will like you for being yourself, and even when they don't, you won't care. When you're being yourself, it's like you're standing on solid ground -- if you'll please forgive the cliche on the basis that I should already be in bed. If you're fake to please others, you set yourself on a cardboard sheet between skyscrapers. But if you're you, you're powerful. Even if people hate you, they can't topple you. It just is.
7. You can turn loneliness into empowerment. Like many people, I've wished for someone to help me through everything I've been through, and all I will be through. Whether it came to emotional turmoil in the safety of my home or that that came with walking alone around town, past cars and scary-looking people and non-scary-looking people who can be just as dangerous (hey, I'm scared of people, I admit it). Like many people, I had no one. Just me. But then, sometimes as I thought of this, I'd recognize a strange feeling. I'd think, "Hey, no one else got me through my pain. Maybe no one else could. But I did. I'd think now and then that, if anyone helped me out, they'd be like Superman to me, but I just kept going, and now I'm out of those places I wanted Superman to help me out of." I think of this, and for a little while, I feel like Superman. It makes you realize that you don't need anything you might lose, only the one thing you can't lose: you. This is more complicated that it sounds. According to my religion, I didn't really get myself out of anything, because I'm powerless without God. I do believe that, in the end, it was all Him, but that's not how I feel. And I'm not saying it's best to be lonely. If I had my way, everyone would have their One True Friend to help them out their whole lives. I'm just saying there is a bright side to being alone.
1. Sometimes you have to make a conscious decision not to give up. Not giving up doesn't come naturally to all people. Not to me at least. When I have trouble with something right at the start, I usually quit right at the start. But I realized that's keeping me from doing things that are important to me. I quit my very first job, at McDonalds, and I didn't earn the money I could have, the money that would have made me more independent. I want to be indepenent. If I was working just to earn friends, it wouldn't be worth it, and I could quit because I don't truly want the everyday sort of friend. But I truly want to be independent. So when it comes to that, I have to say outloud that I won't give up. It worked with navigating the streets of town. I got better at it every time. It worked slightly with driving cars. I got minutely better at it every time. And these things will help me be independent. They're worth it.
2. I CAN keep myself from giving up if I make a conscious decision not to. I know now that I CAN keep myself from giving up on college. Before, it often seemed that giving up was just something that happened to me, but it's not. I can control it. Somewhat. I can also get better at controlling it. It worked on crossing the street and driving. It can work on college.
3. Everyone goes through what I go through at some point. If you start thinking you're abnormal, you'll make every twisted experience and emotion worse. And usually for no reason. When I worked at McDonalds, I stood on the other side of that terribly intimidating counter for the first time and saw how hard it was, but also saw that many people acted the same as I used to when I went to order at such a counter. Afraid of making a mistake, overwhelmed by the options, confused by the terminology, shy. (Fast food menus really are too complicated.) And I realized I wasn't weird, I realized it was okay to feel that way, and I realized that couldn't be the only area in which more than one person felt that way. Because I knew that, I could finally stop feeling that way. I could be more confident, just knowing other people do that too.
4. Be proud of your terror. This might seem a tad contradictory to the above lesson, but when I was learning to cross the city streets, I was terrified. I was extra terrified when I vaguely remembered that "scared to cross the street" is possibly some way to referring to a scaredy cat. I think. It's like "scared of her own shadow." I've never been scared of my shadow, and it's perfectly rational to be frightened to cross a street jammed with cars that could crush you in a single go. But it bugged me still, that I might be in the same category as Afraid of Own Shadow. But then I realized I was doing it anyway. I was terrified, and I was facing that terror. If I was extra terrified, I was also extra courageous, and I should be extra proud.
5. Move and talk slowly. I move and talk fast when I'm nervous, but if I control myself even then, I can eliminate many mistakes I'd otherwise make in a rush, and I can actually calm myself.
6. People will like you for being yourself, and even when they don't, you won't care. When you're being yourself, it's like you're standing on solid ground -- if you'll please forgive the cliche on the basis that I should already be in bed. If you're fake to please others, you set yourself on a cardboard sheet between skyscrapers. But if you're you, you're powerful. Even if people hate you, they can't topple you. It just is.
7. You can turn loneliness into empowerment. Like many people, I've wished for someone to help me through everything I've been through, and all I will be through. Whether it came to emotional turmoil in the safety of my home or that that came with walking alone around town, past cars and scary-looking people and non-scary-looking people who can be just as dangerous (hey, I'm scared of people, I admit it). Like many people, I had no one. Just me. But then, sometimes as I thought of this, I'd recognize a strange feeling. I'd think, "Hey, no one else got me through my pain. Maybe no one else could. But I did. I'd think now and then that, if anyone helped me out, they'd be like Superman to me, but I just kept going, and now I'm out of those places I wanted Superman to help me out of." I think of this, and for a little while, I feel like Superman. It makes you realize that you don't need anything you might lose, only the one thing you can't lose: you. This is more complicated that it sounds. According to my religion, I didn't really get myself out of anything, because I'm powerless without God. I do believe that, in the end, it was all Him, but that's not how I feel. And I'm not saying it's best to be lonely. If I had my way, everyone would have their One True Friend to help them out their whole lives. I'm just saying there is a bright side to being alone.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)