So...
I told you about the quiz, but that was an incident. It represents a couple of days in my life. If I were to tell you about college overall, it would sound different. Less intersting, actually, but I'm gonna tell you anyway. Suck it up. =)
Basically, through most of my first two weeks, I had no idea what I was feeling. I was terrified the first night, after a "personal safety talk" that reminded me of all the reasons I was scared to go to college. But after that, I'm not sure if I just didn't feel anything, or if I just didn't feel anything I'm used to feeling. It didn't feel like it usually feels when I don't feel anything. Maybe, it was just that I didn't know the names of the emotions I felt. Wow, I'm being confusing. But my current emotions became mild, at the least. And at the most, my usual emotions abandoned me. I didn't feel terrified, although I wanted to avoid the loudmouths outside my door and window. I didn't feel annoyed, or inconvenienced at having to share a bathroom with other girls, a bathroom with shower stalls that had only curtains for privacy where I would have preferred frosted glass doors. I didn't act silly. I didn't feel embarassed. Much. I did have an incident where I dropped a yogurt, and some people next to me cleaned it up and told me to, "Put your stuff down. It's easier." Which was also annoying because I hate when people tell me what to do, but they were partly right. Partly. It's not exactly easier, and who asked you anyway? Hmm?! I'm not a child, I don't need you to tell me it might be easier, that's obvious, I made the choice to HOLD my stuff, don't question my personal choices! Just because you cleaned up yogurt without being asked doesn't give you the right to patronize me!!!
Anyway, I think part of why I had no idea what I was feeling may have been because I was tired. My brain was filtering out a lot of material to keep me focused on what I needed to do to survive. Or something. Anyway, it was very strange and unnerving, and it lasts somewhat to this very day.
I could never sleep very well because college kids were shouting and making a ruckus outside my window and door every hour of the night, and it was hot, so I had to keep the window open. I didn't have a lot of water to drink because the tap water's terrible and never cold, and bottled water was expensive and hard to lug from the store, so it never felt like I had enough, and I'm used to drinking a lot of water. The food was usually not very good and didn't agree with me, and I had heartburn a lot because of the lack of water.
I didn't miss much from home. I hardly ever miss people. With people, it's out of sight, out of mind. I did miss my pets, though. I'd see a cat here and there, and I'd get cat-sick. I saw basil growing in a pot in the cafeteria and got plant-sick, missing my own basil plants, and tomato plants and flowers. But mostly my cats. All the objects I invested the most time and care into. But I still didn't miss them that badly. I didn't ache for them. However, I think the lack of cats also contributed to my lack of sleep. I sleep better on days I pet cats.
It's hard to say how my classes are really. They're not yet even in "full swing," as they say. I still have to have the first real session of one of my regular classes, one they didn't hold for the first two weeks for various reasons. Otherwise, the classes aren't challenging concept-wise. They're mostly review, but there's a lot of work involved, and I'm left wondering if I can do it all and if I can do it all well. The pressure is the hard part.
I met some nice people, girls and guys I get along with, but mostly girls. The first couple of days here, people actually seemed TOO nice, and I felt like I was in some Twilight Zone episode. Probably an overreaction once again caused by lack of sleep. But still, I was kinda right. It couldn't and didn't last. People are still nice, but less smiley at least, and it's less creepy. I know better how to react. I think they were just putting on their best faces for the days freshmen arrived. My electrical engineering professors still seem nice, and I think they truly are just laidback people, but I'm not actually taking classes from them yet, and the rest of the people are just less creepy when they don't try to be nicer than they really are.
I think one of the boys here likes me, and he doesn't even know me. I think he almost sorta nearly asked me out. He asked me to go rafting with a few other students, but the way he said it. "Are you doing anything this Saturday? . . . If you want, you might want to come. We're going rafting this Saturday. If you want." I hate rafting, so of course, I said no, but being asked was the most bizarre occurence that's ever happened to me. And it could just be my delusions. And it's sort of difficult because he seems awfully nice, and if he was indeed sort of asking me out, and if he does indeed like me, I'm flattered beyond words, because I've never been asked out before and he seems really nice, albeit in an awkward way. But that makes everything complicated because I'd hate to hurt his feelings but I'd probably wouldn't go out with him if he asked me. I'm waiting for my soulmate, which he couldn't be, because my soulmate wouldn't ask me out when he didn't even know me. I may be imagining that he almost sorta nearly asked me out. I hope so. That makes everything much less complicated.
For my own part, I have been weird recently concerning a boy, which is so very not like me. I don't know him. He's Catholic and majoring in some field of engineering. There. That's certainly no basis for any feeling, and I think I have a crush on him. That is so juvenile. I was so sure I'd outgrown having crushes that I didn't even know I was that sure. I just was. I just think about him far more often than I would most people, and obviously for no good reason. He's moderately good-looking, like most of the students. He's nice and friendly, and not in an awkward way. And he's possibly gay, just based on the way he talks and the rainbow bracelet he always seems to wear and the pink shirt he wore the first time I saw him. I hate myself for thinking that, because I believe people should have the freedom to behave in opposition with common gender roles WITHOUT being called gay, but that's another rant. I think part of why I like this boy is because he might be gay, and I've always sort of liked gay people, if I'm honest, because I partly believe that gays are all nice, respectful people, which I also hate myself for because that's also stereotyping. Golly, this is getting convoluted. I hope this crush can also be attributed to lack of sleep, and the first time I see this kid on a good night's rest, it will all be normal for me again. Otherwise, I may be forced to conclude that I've lost my mind. I'm actually terribly ashamed of this crush, but this is where I talk about what I'm ashamed of.
But this past weekend, I went home and got some real sleep, spent time with my mom, said hi to my pets and plants. They all still remember me! Well, except the plants. They're just terrible with faces. But I was scared my cats wouldn't remember me. The ones I've given away have acted distant to me, like they didn't know me, and I thought it could happen with the ones I left at home too. But it was like I never left to them. We just picked up where we left off. It was tremendous. I had a good time with my mom too. I know it probably didn't sound good, the way I talked about her in the last post, so I need to say that I love my mom. I truly do. I even like her and get along with her, when I'm not trying to talk to her about anything that's important to me. No, I don't mean to sound like that exactly, but she was the one who made me realize that the people you love aren't always your friends. You can't always trust them, if ever. And it's like you have no control over when you remember that fact. Much of the time, you get along swimmingly and you can't help but forget what you know, and it get hammered into your head again the next time they break your heart, only so you can forget it again and again. It's just complicated, my relationship with her. She was once my best friend, and I'll try never to forget that, and I'd die for her, but...I'll have to post more about it later.
Anyway, I got some sleep, and I'm hoping to be more reasonable now. But I know it won't last. I'll be sleep-deprived again by tomorrow morning.
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