So Much Has Happened in My First Semester, Part 5

In Part 4, I talked about how I was alienating people...

On the bright side, since I've started school, I've felt -- maybe not closer to -- but different about God. In a good way.

I started to feel like He was helping me out. I always KNEW He was, but I hadn't FELT like it in years. I felt like I, and only I, was helping me out. But then when school started, I'd get "lucky" on a day my teacher's assistants did a surprise check on our notebooks and I'd filled out my lab notebook an hour before class. I'd feel like God made that happen. Or I'd feel a tickle in my throat and sincerely pray I wouldn't get sick, and I wouldn't. I'd feel like God made that happen.

Actually, I can't remember the first time in the school year I sincerely -- SINCERELY -- prayed for something and got it, but it was that that convinced me that praying helps. So I started doing that a lot, and it seemed like every time I did, everthing turned out right. I'd pray before exams and I'd do well on them. I know it's because I was studying hard, but the important thing is that I felt like God was helping me. He was helping me to study, to avoid making stupid mistakes on exams, and to adjust to college life at all.

I have to admit I was pretty amazed at myself for slipping into a college routine as easily as I did. The dorm rooms, the showers, the cafeteria food, all the stuff I always thought would be a nightmare. It was nothing. I truly believe God made it possible for me to adjust to it. It feels really good to truly believe.

I prayed that God would help me pass every class with a B or better in order to keep my scholarship, and He's done just that. When I wrote my first draft of this post, I was still waiting on some grades, but I knew I'd still believe in God if I got less than a B in anything. It would be because He decided it was for the best. But I'm REALLY glad He decided it wasn't. Thank you, God.

That's the long and short of it, folks. If you're reading this, I think you're great, especially since posts have been so scarce lately. I know that my latest posts have almost exclusively focused on ordinary life goings-on. I usually prefer heftier topics, but when I got on break and wrote a rough draft of this 5 part post, the last few months were burning on my mind. I almost want to apologize that, looking back, I myself am not terribly excited about these last posts. Not that I don't want you to be excited about them. If you liked any of these posts, please tell me I'm wrong and they're the most fascinating thing on the face of the planet. Planets. ALL OF THEM! =)

In a few days, I'll have school again for four months, and then,summer, at which glorious time I should be able to post again. So don't give up on me.

Merry Christmas 2011! With Thoughts on Baby Jesus and Chrismas Carols

I have something to say. It may be the same as what I said last Christmas, but I'm too lazy to check. First, Jesus came as a baby. The baby of a poor family who had to work for a living. Second, Away in a Manger and I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day -- good Christmas carols. Third, Merry Christmas. Now, I shall elaborate and/or repeat myself.


First, I made this point last year, but I don't think I made it well. In fact, I downright forgot what I was going to say during last year's Christmas post. Jesus came as one of the little people. By this, I don't mean elves, but I do mean babies and the so-called lowly people of society.

Society seems to view some people as less valuable than others. Think about fast food workers, invalids, or infants. Now think about scientists, surgeons, or statesmen. If you don't personally hold such a view, you can probably sense how the world holds the people in the latter list in higher esteem. They're considered more useful, they become more famous, they get far more pampered, and their deaths are more widely mourned. People dream of becoming like scientists, surgeons, or statesmen. People fear becoming like fast food workers, invalids, or infants.

Even I admit to thinking in this mindset sometimes. I tell myself that once I'm an engineer -- successful, rich, maybe even famous -- it'll show those people I hate, those enemies who'll never be anything but bad stay-at-home parents and unoriginal, unimaginative teachers and office workers. It'll show everyone I'm better than them. I secretly know it wouldn't really mean that, but I hope at least THEY think it would, and I hope it'll hurt them to see me held in society's high regard. I know this is really mean, and REALLY condescending to stay-at-home parents, teachers, and office workers, but. . . Well, I don't have an excuse. It's a bad behavior I fall into when I want to make myself feel better. I let myself think like society does, like some people are better than others because of their social standing.

People had such a mindset back in Jesus' time too. And God knew it. But He came as a baby anyway. Like everyone else, He was small, weak, helpless, and "useless" at one point. But that didn't mean He wasn't important. He was the most important figure of all time. He was poor and had to work a regular job that any other regular person could have taken over, a job for which he'd never be rich or famous, like frying burgers. But that didn't mean He wasn't important. It didn't mean He didn't matter.

You must be able to see that this can't have been a random choice God made, to come into the world as a baby, a poor person, and a blue-collar worker. I think He made this choice in order to illustrate His new Law, how we should help even those who can't help us back, serve ALL people, be merciful and kind, and respect the meek. Because they're important; they'll inherit the Earth. If the King of the Universe could be a Nobody on Earth, it proves that no one can be worthless because they are weak, useless, poor, or lowly.

This message, the one of Jesus coming as a baby, gets so much airtime because it's really beautiful. It means that no matter who you are, no matter how weak, useless, or lowly you are, you are important. You matter. Isn't that wonderful?

Secondly, my favorite Christmas carol is Away in a Manger, mostly for this line: "I love Thee, Lord Jesus." That line is just sweet, simple, and true. People are always talking about how great, glorious, powerful, and amazing God is, and it's all true. But how often is it just "I love You, Jesus"? Isn't that refreshing? Just spitting it out? And every single time I hear that line, I come to the wonderful realization that it's true. I love You, Jesus. It's such an intimate thing to say, and that's how it should be. I often feel distant from God, and it doesn't help when people talk about Him as a third person and His greatness as an abstract concept. It helps to say "I" and "love" and "You" in the same sentence.

Away in a Manger is written in the voice of a young child. A young child doesn't think about all the wonders of the universe that prove how great God is (although those are good things to think about). A young child loves someone for the right traits -- kindness and love. That's who Jesus is. I know it in my soul, but I'm often scared to believe it, feeling obligated to see God as some awesome unapproachable being. This song reassures me that God is comfort and warmth, which all children naturally want to have because it's good.

Therefore, the song makes perfect sense when the child entreats God with the following lines: "Look down from the sky and stay by my cradle till morning is nigh. Be near me, Lord Jesus. I ask Thee to stay close by me forever. . ." When I think of Jesus as a tender, loving God, that's exactly what I want to say. Grace me with Your presence. Stay with me. Protect me. Comfort me. Forever.

The song goes on: ". . . and love me, I pray." I feel like churches always ask Jesus for forgiveness, but not for love. It's almost like they want us individuals to think we're unworthy to ask for love. Well, I think we ARE unworthy. A lot of people feel that way, like they can't ask for love from anyone, let alone a perfect, all-powerful entity. But I think God wants us to feel worthy, and asking Him to love us is, not only acceptable, but good. This song reminds me of that. I am allowed ask a beautiful, perfect Person to love me and I am allowed to find my worth in that love.

This song gives an impression of love as a simple, perfect miracle, eternal and complete. The child loves Jesus because Jesus loves the child and Jesus is good. Goodness incarnate just fits like a puzzle piece in the child's soul, and that is love, and that love just IS. It doesn't need anything more added to it. It is. This is, in a way, one of the most romantic songs in existence.

I Heard the Bells is a hopeful song that doesn't ignore despair. It was just a couple years ago that I really listened to the words for the first time, and they are so true to me. "And in despair I bowed me head. 'There is no peace on Earth,' I said." I may never have said that, but I felt that every single day. Not "there's very little peace," or "there's no peace in countries at war." There. Is. No. Peace. Anywhere. Anytime. All people suffer physically, emotionally, or both. No one ever has true peace. "For hate is strong and mocks the song of peace on Earth, goodwill to men." When I first heard the words, it shocked and relieved me that someone else felt as much despair over it as I did.

Then, the song even continued with, "God is not dead, nor does He sleep." That's right. He came back from the grave. And you say He's conscious and attentive to what's happening here on Earth? "The wrong shall fail, the right prevail, with peace on Earth, goodwill to men." Sometimes, just hearing it out loud can reassure and comfort you. A little bit.

Finally, I wish you a happy holiday for celebrating the birth of kindness, love, truth, and all goodness, in the flesh. Merry Christmas!

(By the way, I saw my grades today, and it was the best Christmas Eve gift I got. I got three A's, two A minuses, and a B+ in chemistry. I'm going to keep my scholarship, and I'm happily surprised at myself, which is the upside to having low expectations. My family, by comparison, seemed to assume I'd get all A's, and they were congratulatory but not nearly as excited as I was. Still, I think I did wonderfully. Thank you, God.)

The Quiz

August 29, 2011

Well, I've been in college for over a week now. I have lots of classes. I've been working 8 hours or more (usually more) on schoolwork for each of the last 7 days. I felt like I was doing pretty good. I was working. Last time I was in school, I couldn't even bring myself to do that. I was too scared and discouraged and convinced I couldn't do well. Over the summer, I prayed that God would just let me WORK, and work hard. It seems He answered my prayer, and I'm grateful. But I always harbor this feeling that it will all end in a minute or two, my ability to work. That's scary. And today I think I almost came close. First of all, I'm very tired, and when you're very tired, it's often hard to tell how tired you are. You're no longer sleepy, just tired. Even on days I try to sleep in, it's usually too hot. And it's definitely affecting me. I've made some really weird typos and mistakes in the last few days.

Yesterday, specifically, I tried to take my first quiz of the year. It went far too slowly, and I ended up with a pretty bad score. Well, at least, I thought it was 75 all last night and today, but my teacher just told me it's actually about 90, which isn't so bad. Anyway, I was awfully discouraged and a host of emotions attacked me. It's just the first quiz, not that important, I know, but it was a pretty easy quiz, and if I can't even do well on that...It just seemed that my first quiz would set the tone for the rest of the year. I was hoping it would go well. The other students all did well, as far as I heard, and I couldn't?

I tried talking to people about it and got no real sympathy. I tried talking to this boy I knew from my online classes. I chat online with him now and then, but just a few days after I moved to the dorms, we actually talked about topics of importance. I told him the college kids outside my window were being loud, stupid cliches, and he didn't even have to ask what I meant. He knew, and he wasn't shocked or worried, but sympathetic to the right degree. Then, we talked about college kids, how I could hear them having sex in the next room, summer camps, how the kids at camp didn't like me, which I felt ok telling him because he didn't seem able to be shocked. I didn't have to tell him not to worry, but he sympathized nonetheless.

And instead of any ordinary reply like "That's too bad," he told me this rather personal story of how kids used to call him gay and he didn't know what it meant. This was something brand new, someone telling me something that PROVED they knew pain like I did. I don't think I've ever before met someone who could make me actually feel better about anything. I'm dead serious. I didn't even hesitate to then tell him about the snobs in the online school who ignored me and made me feel like I didn't exist. He still wasn't shocked. He listened and sympathized and didn't seem to think anything ill of me for complaining about our schoolmates. He was the first and only person (I know) that I've told. I could never really tell anyone else.

I went to bed that night, not in love in the sense you might think, but thinking maybe I'd found my True Friend. You don't know exactly what I'm talking about because I haven't published my post on Love yet, but I'll post that someday, and then, you'll know. Anyway, after that, we chatted every day for two or three days, and I told him how I feel stupid even though everyone's always telling me I'm smart, and from what he said, he does also. I did realize he couldn't be my True Friend when he said he wasn't into cats, but I'd pretty much expected him NOT to be my Friend, so it didn't bug me much, and I decided to just go with the hopeful, giddy feelings I'd been having. I often have such feelings (not usually about people, though; about books, movies, etc.), and I always know they'll fade away, and it hardly bothers me anymore, to be honest. I consciously knew that they wouldn't last, but I could plainly see that he could be a good friend, if not my True one. I knew that much was truth, and not giddiness. I was wrong.

When I told him about the quiz, he gave me a smiley face. =) Seriously, and that's it. I mean, I didn't say exactly how distraught I was, but I mentioned it, and that deserves a mention in return. An emoticon does not count as a mention. The same thing happened with my mom. I emailed her about the quiz, this whole long story, and she gave me a two line reply that said NOTHING about it. I seriously wondered if she was mad at me for doing badly. She's financing me, keeps saying how my education is an investment because I'll get a good-paying job afterward, keeps saying how I need to get good grades. After that terse reply, I actually believed that she didn't really like me, that she wouldn't like me when I wasn't doing well in life. I know now she probably wasn't mad at me and didn't stop liking me, but I'd believe that she was and did, and what exactly does that say?

The quiz made me realize that the boy wasn't my True Friend or a good friend, but a person in the class of people I put my mom in months ago. These people are not friends, but friendly. Not good, but okay. Not people to trust, but people to be kind to.

After the quiz, I started to feel again that I can't do this. College. I don't think I ever really believed I could. I felt hopeless and alone and sad, all of which was worse because I was tired. I'm STILL tired. I should be sleeping right now, but I'm writing, and hopefully this will make me feel better. Last night, I kept thinking about. . . everything. Earlier in the day, I'd noticed how you're never really in control of how well you do. I mean, you are. But you aren't. I've often felt completely confident I got a question right, and it turned out wrong, and I've heard stories of people who studied as hard as possible and still failed their tests. And sometimes, like on the SAT, I've felt I would completely fail but then I did very well. So, I was thinking about how God must control all that, not you or me.

On one hand, it's extremely comforting to know you don't have to worry, because you'll succeed when you're supposed to and fail when you're supposed to. On the other hand, it's disturbing that maybe I'm not in charge or responsible for how well I do. See, just that thought could keep me from working hard. You ARE supposed to work hard. God tells us to, but why? If He controls how well you do in life anyway. You're supposed to "Seek first the kingdom of heaven" and not worry, because everything else you need will be given to you. I suppose you seek the kingdom by working at what God has given you to do, and if He's landed you in an engineering college, I suppose that's what He's given you to work at. It still doesn't explain why you should work hard when He controls how well you do. I guess you're just supposed to show you're dedication. I don't really know.

But a lot of thoughts went through my head in the last 48 hours, many of them God-related, many more than usual. This could be a good development. I've wanted to feel closer to God. He was the only one to comfort me last night, with thoughts of why I need not worry. He usually IS the only only one to comfort me.

I was even a bit grateful for the emotional turmoil. See, I was scared when I envisioned the next 9 months of full-time studying, 9 months of sitting at a desk not actually DOING much. I was scared I would become static, stop changing as a human being. I don't want to be static. I want change, not just for what surrounds me, but for me. I want to become better. That happens when I meet trials. I'd forgotten I can still meet trials from studying all day. I can change, just from the emotions of quiz-taking.

I started thinking about it, and I know it's cliche, but I realized grades aren't important. I really am just going to college to learn. And I'm not failing at learning. I've learned quite a bit. I'm only taking classes because I need to know the path to becoming an engineer -- basically what books to read -- because they motivate me to do physical learning, and because they give me a sense of time. On days without classes, all the hours blur together and I don't get much done at the leisurely pace this causes. I may need to graduate to get much of what I want, but a C is good enough to graduate, so even if my quiz grade had been as bad as I thought, it would have been okay.

I need to have more faith that everything will be okay. I need to have faith in God.