Top Seven lessons I learned or internalized over the summer:
1. Sometimes you have to make a conscious decision not to give up. Not giving up doesn't come naturally to all people. Not to me at least. When I have trouble with something right at the start, I usually quit right at the start. But I realized that's keeping me from doing things that are important to me. I quit my very first job, at McDonalds, and I didn't earn the money I could have, the money that would have made me more independent. I want to be indepenent. If I was working just to earn friends, it wouldn't be worth it, and I could quit because I don't truly want the everyday sort of friend. But I truly want to be independent. So when it comes to that, I have to say outloud that I won't give up. It worked with navigating the streets of town. I got better at it every time. It worked slightly with driving cars. I got minutely better at it every time. And these things will help me be independent. They're worth it.
2. I CAN keep myself from giving up if I make a conscious decision not to. I know now that I CAN keep myself from giving up on college. Before, it often seemed that giving up was just something that happened to me, but it's not. I can control it. Somewhat. I can also get better at controlling it. It worked on crossing the street and driving. It can work on college.
3. Everyone goes through what I go through at some point. If you start thinking you're abnormal, you'll make every twisted experience and emotion worse. And usually for no reason. When I worked at McDonalds, I stood on the other side of that terribly intimidating counter for the first time and saw how hard it was, but also saw that many people acted the same as I used to when I went to order at such a counter. Afraid of making a mistake, overwhelmed by the options, confused by the terminology, shy. (Fast food menus really are too complicated.) And I realized I wasn't weird, I realized it was okay to feel that way, and I realized that couldn't be the only area in which more than one person felt that way. Because I knew that, I could finally stop feeling that way. I could be more confident, just knowing other people do that too.
4. Be proud of your terror. This might seem a tad contradictory to the above lesson, but when I was learning to cross the city streets, I was terrified. I was extra terrified when I vaguely remembered that "scared to cross the street" is possibly some way to referring to a scaredy cat. I think. It's like "scared of her own shadow." I've never been scared of my shadow, and it's perfectly rational to be frightened to cross a street jammed with cars that could crush you in a single go. But it bugged me still, that I might be in the same category as Afraid of Own Shadow. But then I realized I was doing it anyway. I was terrified, and I was facing that terror. If I was extra terrified, I was also extra courageous, and I should be extra proud.
5. Move and talk slowly. I move and talk fast when I'm nervous, but if I control myself even then, I can eliminate many mistakes I'd otherwise make in a rush, and I can actually calm myself.
6. People will like you for being yourself, and even when they don't, you won't care. When you're being yourself, it's like you're standing on solid ground -- if you'll please forgive the cliche on the basis that I should already be in bed. If you're fake to please others, you set yourself on a cardboard sheet between skyscrapers. But if you're you, you're powerful. Even if people hate you, they can't topple you. It just is.
7. You can turn loneliness into empowerment. Like many people, I've wished for someone to help me through everything I've been through, and all I will be through. Whether it came to emotional turmoil in the safety of my home or that that came with walking alone around town, past cars and scary-looking people and non-scary-looking people who can be just as dangerous (hey, I'm scared of people, I admit it). Like many people, I had no one. Just me. But then, sometimes as I thought of this, I'd recognize a strange feeling. I'd think, "Hey, no one else got me through my pain. Maybe no one else could. But I did. I'd think now and then that, if anyone helped me out, they'd be like Superman to me, but I just kept going, and now I'm out of those places I wanted Superman to help me out of." I think of this, and for a little while, I feel like Superman. It makes you realize that you don't need anything you might lose, only the one thing you can't lose: you. This is more complicated that it sounds. According to my religion, I didn't really get myself out of anything, because I'm powerless without God. I do believe that, in the end, it was all Him, but that's not how I feel. And I'm not saying it's best to be lonely. If I had my way, everyone would have their One True Friend to help them out their whole lives. I'm just saying there is a bright side to being alone.
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